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Friday, April 30, 2004 So Tired of Waiting for You I had to spend two hours today in the parking and transportation office to get my new decal. Came close to losing it. I tried to get my decal on-line, but received a letter saying they could not send it because I had unpaid parking tickets. I had unpaid tickets due to my decal falling off the window twice, and the attendant not bothering to lean forward and see it sitting on my dashboard. Well, I couldn't pay for them at the University cashier's office right next door to where I work, because they were not overdue. Nor could I use the online payment system, cause the 'cite' was down (spellcheck, people?). So I walked to the other side of campus to wait in line for two hours for the privelege of paying for a decal every week that progressively gives me the right to park in less and less spaces. Did I mention another Orange lot is closing near my office? ------------------------------------------------
Sunday, April 25, 2004 My Perfect Summer Home We saw a great home on the Gainesville Parade of Homes today. How the front, it looks like a standard home design, but the over-large front doors open instead into an interior courtyard that is half-covered porch and half-screened lanai. All of the rooms of the house are built around the courtyard, with a pool and fountain, including a separate cabana style guest bedroom/office area. Of course, it was grossly overpriced, being as it was in a neighborhood almost exclusively for doctors and lawyers, and it was shoehorned into a lot that allowed only for a back yard that served as a diorama for the exterior windows, but it sure was beautiful. Also swung back by the book sale to look for more deals. Saw Piper, who was down from Philly for a visit. ------------------------------------------------
Saturday, April 24, 2004 A Really Busy Day Today Got up at the crack of dawn to get the deals at the Alachua County Friends of the Library booksale, where the Library system sells those donated books they don't have room for or use for in their library catalog. In addition to some kids books and activity books for Parker, we also got some classics in hardcover like David Copperfield, Wuthering Heights, and Tess of the D'Urbervilles. We also snagged quite a few O Magazines and Martha Stewart Living, both to read and to sell (on eBay, we might be able to turn a profit). If it works, we'll be buying more of them at the next book sell in October. I also cleaned up on cheap cds, getting: Grand Funk Railroad, Paul Simon, Celine Dion, John Mayer, Midnight Oil, Technotronic, Amanda Garrigues, Backstreet Boys, Sixpence None the Richer, Ann Peebles, Michael Bolton (yes, THAT Michael Bolton), KLF, Blondie, 100 Masterpieces of Classical Music, the Wayne's World Soundtrack, the Magnolia Soundtrack, and Blood Sweat and Tears. There's another cd I'm eyeing, which has Tuva music combined with Western and Folk melodies, but I'll wait for half price day to get that if I can. The most fun at the sale was watching a woman accusing a college student of stealing her families box (boxes are precious commodities at this sale). She claimed he physically threatened her son, took the box, dumped their contents out, and took the box for himself. She got the box back, but not without telling everyone within earshot how his face looks like a liar's and that his karma will come back to him in due time. After working our way through that crowd (two hours of waiting to get in, an hour of shopping, and an hour and a half to check out), we picked up Parker from the sitter's (Thanks Dawn!) and then I went and proceeded to help our friends Steve and Jen move out of their house into their temporary apartment. We moved half their stuff into the apartment and half into a storage rental place. We had some fun there when the live-in manager accused us of hitting the side of the buildings with the truck, something we didn't even feel (though given the way the truck rumbled, I wouldn't be surprised). There was a lot of discussion about who would pay for the damages (the insurance or Steve out of pocket), and although the issue wasn't resolved, we did finally manage to get out of there. And I got to go home and go to bed, after a detour to Guthries where I had to maneuver around a taciturn police officer who stood stoically in front of the condiment stand and refused to budge an inch for anyone (even if you said please). I think he was too concerned it would ruin his image with the girl behind the counter. ------------------------------------------------
Friday, April 23, 2004 And Never the Twain Shall Meet Here is an example of the difference in cultures between East and West; in Japan, the freed hostages from Iraq are treated as pariahs by their nation. In the U.S., former hostages such as these, who were kidnapped while acting as freelance journalists or as part of humanitarian groups, would be instant celebrities and the toast of the talk show circuit for several weeks. In Japan, however, they are ostracize by a culture that sees them as reckless for ignoring government advisor about traveling to Iraq and for jeopardizing the peacekeeping mission in Iraq. Whereas we would place the blame of their situation when in Iraq solely on the terrorists that held them captive, Japanese culture emphasizes their personal responsibility in what occurred. Colin Powell praised them by stating "if nobody was willing to take a risk, then we would never move forward. We would never move our world forward." Which viewpoint is more right? Or does the truth lay somewhere in between? ------------------------------------------------
Thursday, April 22, 2004 Return to Sender Ever wanted to write a letter to someone who you know would never reply? ------------------------------------------------
Worst...Song...Ever Is "We Built This City" the worst song ever? Far from it. In fact, I would state that many of the songs listed on Blender Magazine's top 50 worst songs of all time simply do not belong a list of this title. Given that these songs were played far too much during their time of popularity, I would agree they might well live is a list name "most Irritating Songs of all time", but many of them are songs I truly enjoy. "Everybody have Fun Tonight?" and "I'm Too Sexy" on the list? "I Would do Anything for Love?". Uncle Cracker's "Follow Me"? Simon and Garfunkel's "Sounds of Silence"? Simon and Garfunkel?!??! I think this list is truly created by the type of musical savant who sums up his dislike of a song with a simple two word critique " That sucks. Don't you just love how writing a list automatically gives your opinion legitimacy? If anything, #2 contender Achy Breaky Heart belongs in the top spot ;) ------------------------------------------------
Idols and Iraq "SHAME! SHAME! SHAME on the American public for putting the US back into a past we need to SHAMEFULLY forgotten. This voting makes us no better than Osama Bin Laden." This is just one person's opinion of tonight's American Idol results, but it mirrors the thinking of many in message boards that look at tonight's voting debacle on American Idol as being racist. Is it really? Does the America voting public want to kick out the black singers on the show? Given that the last three bootees were white, I don't think so. If there was this sort of bias in the music industry, current trends in sales would show it. But in looking at this week's Billboard Top 50, 28 of the artists are African-American, and these artists have 8 of the top 10 singles. I think the voting this week is more indicative of many factors. How the best singers are considered 'safe', so no one votes for them. How popular singers divide votes equally, while those who are voted on solely for personality have fans that vote exclusively for them and them alone. How a younger teenage demographic might react to perceived haughtiness, or to the fact that a contestant is an unwed mother. How voters react to judges comments, attitudes, and preferences for certain performers over others. And, the performances themselves. Do I think that Jennifer should have stayed. Absolutely. Do I blame John Stevens for staying instead. Not one bit. All he did was be himself, and the audience responded. It's obvious to me that, given the unprecedented way that William Hung has been embraced as an instant celebrity, that this year naive but earnest personalities trump everything, including honed talent. Not that I am saying John is like William - John has great potential, but it needs to be more polished than any of the bottom three tonight. But America sees him as being genuine, a trait that is sorely lacking in most reality show contestants these days. Just look at Trish over on the Bachelor. Besides, isn't there more important things to discuss than Idol, anyway? I find it funny how much energy is being spent on the vote outrage, while Congress ponders the possibility of reinstating a draft that would send these posters into conflict at a moment's notice. Or is the balm of quick entertainment an easy way to ignore the pressures of the adult world they are heading towards so precipitously? I gave it thought today. Although I am now older than the age to be drafted, I have to ask myself how I would react if I were to be drafted. In the end, I would go, because it would be my duty, but it would scare the crap out of me. I think it would anyone. But how many people of my generation, or the ones right below me, would think of it as a duty? I'm thoroughly depressed that so many countries are looking to pull out of Iraq, immediately. It seems no one is willing to stay the course, at least until the date that sovereignty is handed back to the Iraqi people in two months. How much do they think the situation will change in two months? I think this is the moment for what could be the U.N.'s finest moment. No matter what they think of the war that led us to this point, the mission of the U.N. should be the exact type of peacekeeping effort that is needed to restore order in Iraq today. The Security Council should address the Assembly and declare it the duty of every nation in the U.N. to help ensure Iraq does not fall into anarchy, and that a stable government will be erected to lead that nation. It is a promise of support that every member nation of the U.N. should expect, because the U.N. is a fraternity of nations dedicated to the stability of all. And I think they would be perfectly justified to demand that the United States be responsible for the brunt of the logistics and financial support of the operation, as we precipitated the action. But for the U.N. to turn a blind eye to Iraq, to abandon its offices there and allow members of the coalition to leave the country undefended and unsupported, would be irredeemable. ------------------------------------------------
Wednesday, April 21, 2004 Garibaldi on Marconi's Machine Tonight was the best broadcast of the Savage Nation ever. As if the fact that blowhard bombthrower Micheal Savage wasn't on (a prerequisite for the show to be bearable), this night guest host was known other than actor Jerry Doyle, best known as Garibaldi as Babylon 5. Jerry proved than he had a big part in making Garibaldi and likeable and personable as we was on that show. His smooth voice and ability to converse on a wide variety of subjects and engage his callers was amazing. Looking him up online, I find myself not surprised he's considering a move to politics. Here's to our local radio station finding him a more permanent place on their line-up - apparently he does have a weekend show currently in syndication. ------------------------------------------------
American Idol - Huh I guess John Stevens will win. He's an unstoppable juggernaut Conan O'Brien clone. ------------------------------------------------
Wood computers! If it didn't have to be shipped but Sweden, I think this would be my next system upgrade! ------------------------------------------------
Monday, April 19, 2004 Caves, You Oughtta Be in Pictures At last! Another film epic to be filmed in Huntsville's Three Caves Quarry, a great and slightly spooky cave mine located near downtown Huntsville. I remember sneaking in there while in high school, and the place is so enormous and desolate it leaves a great impression on you. Granted it looks like Like Moles, Like Rats, has an even smaller budget that Richard Harris 1970's opus The Ravagers, but it looks to be in the same post-apocalyptic South milleau. So you know it's gonna be good. ------------------------------------------------
They're Gonna Go Pompeii Hamas vows a "volcano of revenge" after the Rantissi assassination. One thing you have to say for fiery terrorist rhetoric, it has a great melodramatic flair. That sounds like something Dr. Doom might say. ------------------------------------------------
Saturday, April 17, 2004 Stale Bread Tonight we did some shopping for more landscaping materials and pots for our burgeoning yard project, and for ideas on a sun room/patio extension for the back yard. After spending some time looking at solar lighting, I came to the sudden realization we really didn't need such lights, given that we have a street light out front that provides the same amount of reflected light at Julia Robert's teeth. After solving that problem, we then decided to grab a bite to eat. As Panera'sis always full, we decided to try the Atlanta Bread Company instead. Although the food was good (not exactly Panera's, mind you, but still above average), I don't think we'll be going back, as the staff was just itching to get everyone out. No one in the staff, manager included, seemed over thirty, giving the whole place a rather Logan's Run feel. Either they were itching to get to a party, or as far away from Carousel as they could, cause they were closing that puppy down, and no matter is some customers were in the way of progress, they could not be denied. Despite the fact the sign said they were open til 9 pm, the staff announced that the last call for orders was at 8:45. The free refills of tea? Access to them was denied as of 8:45, as the staff pulled the still full urns off the counter. As customers still waited in line, the sandwich boards were taken off line and taken to the back for cleaning. And, finally, a zealous employee unleashed a deluge of slick and slippery, suds from one side of the restaurant to the other with a deft mop, effectively cutting me and Parker off from the waste receptacle and the refill station. If I hadn't had places to go, I was severely tempted to just hang out till about 10:40 or so. That'd learn 'em. Got back to Home Depot to discover that they didn't have anymore curved edging, so I'd have to come back later for the stuff we really needed for the yard. Figures. ------------------------------------------------
Friday, April 16, 2004 I Love My Substitute Parent More Than You "You can Kill My Mom But Don't Hurt the TV!" I think this pretty much sums up what's wrong with society. ------------------------------------------------
Friday, April 09, 2004 Payola Online So much for the free economy, fairness in prices, and the internet revolution. Music executives are already looking forward to increasing the prices of internet downloads. That copy of "Hey Ya" I bought a month ago for .99 cents? By next year it might cost me as much as $2.49. If I recall, that's how much a cd single cost. If the industry wanted to curb piracy, this isn't the way to do it, folks. ------------------------------------------------
Rocks Move Looks like we are going to need edgers to complete our stone planting beds - the little pebbles won't cooperate and stay in a straight line without them. Trying to find prices online for edging is like pulling teeth - in the process of trying to get a price, I accidentally ordered five free pieces of stone edging that now will go to Gainesville Street, wheresoever that is. At least I didn't use my real name or address. I hope J. Jonah Jameson enjoys them! ------------------------------------------------
Thursday, April 08, 2004 Look What "Beat It" Has Wrought Did you know of the seedy and dark world of the street gang 'dance crews' ?! Did you know that Pink was a gang color? I took part in Think Pink that Friday. That's right. Make fun of my pirouette and I'll cut you. ------------------------------------------------
Egg-ceptional History Did you know the history and origin of the easter egg? ------------------------------------------------
Run With the Dogs Tonight Gonna have to have a talk with our pool neighbors tonight. They have two dogs - a little poodle and a great big black dog. They put them in the back yard at night, but the big dog has tunneled directly under the gate to the fence. Not only does this negate the purpose of the gate (Parker could easily climb under and get at their pool), it also means their dog can get out at night. Like they did last night, which indirectly resulted in me backing the van up right into the LHS. No major damage - some paint scrape and a broken van tail light, but it is still irksome. ------------------------------------------------
Creepy Yesterday a UF student was killed halfway between Gainesville and Newberry by a hit-and-run driver. Police think several drivers hit her but did not stop. Pretty gruesome, and made even worse because I'll think about it everyday I pass that spot on the way to work or home. ------------------------------------------------
Wednesday, April 07, 2004 Fallujah So, Fallujah. As I write this, the marines are engaged in a hard, street by street action against insurgents. As hard and bloody as it will be, its the right call, and I wish them success as quickly as possible. It was hard seeing the partisanship leading up to the action. On our local conservative radio, both callers and hosts were urging the idea that Fallujah should be taken off the map, permanently. Displace the population, and raze the town. I thought that was absolutely the wrong call. When one caller likened the upcoming action as "trying to kill a rat with a hammer", he cautioned to "make sure you hit the rat". The host then said "We'll try." No, there is no try. You hit the rat, period. To do anything else is wrong. It is, as another host called it "fighting terror with terror". If you try to kill a rat with a hammer, and you hit a child instead, its a crime. And although we might not be prosecuted in a court for it, we'll be pilloried in the court of world opinion, again. If you are going to make a decisive strike, it HAS to be precise. On the other side, Dan Rather made the rather laborious claim that the four civilians killed In Fallujah were there because of "an Economy which precuded them from finding work anywhere else." This statement in not only injurious in blaming the administration's economic policy for the death, it is facetious in that the four people killed and former military specialists who know work in a private security firm that acts as a private army for corporations. How much work did Mr. Rather think four highly trained mercenaries would find in Kansas? Or New York? The fact is, however tragic their deaths are, the men were acting as part of a paramilitary unit, which intentionally places themeslves in danger for high pay. It had nothing to do with the economy, it had to do with their career choice. ------------------------------------------------
Sunday, April 04, 2004 Traffic Jam Parker finally opened his last hot wheel car from Aunt Shelli today. Now how do you keep one hundred or so cars from going everywhere? ;) ------------------------------------------------
Sea World Just got back from a weekend at Sea World and Orlando. Parker was fascinated by the animals, and sat and clapped and danced his way through the Dolphin Show, a first for any amusement park we've been to. He was sooooo tuckered out that today all we did was see Shamu before he was ready for his nap. We also went to the top of an enormous multi-level play gym they have that consists of people-sized hamster tunnels and net ropes. In retrospect, it probably wasn't the best play area for a two-year old, as I had to carry/push him along the entire way. The eight or nine years olds who were traumatized sitting halfway up a three story rope mesh walk crying didn't help either. Anyway, a fine time was had by all, including the two members of Kristin's Baby Board who had come to spend the day with us. We spent a lot of time in the back play area, which had a youngling bouncing room and a large sandbox. We stayed near Downtown Disney in a room on the eighteenth floor. There was a tremendous view, which was well worth it, but a long elevator ride. On one trip, I met a couple that seemed to me to be every bit of the quintessential image of the Russian mobster and his moll. He spoke with a thick accent and wanted to know about the bar on the top floor, while the girl, Stretched and yawned and spoke in a sing-song petulant voice about how late it was and wanted to go. It felt pretty surreal. Things to note about Sea World: The crowds are lighter, make enough time to get from one show to the next, and food is even more overpriced that it is at Disney. As parking is so much easier there, go out and eat when you get hungry. Also, the fireworks show is on a level little better that that of your local JayCee club. And it's amazingly short. Did Disney buy all of the quality fireworks in central Florida? That being said, they have the best roller coaster I can remember being on. It's called the Kraken and it incredibly smooth. And, at nine at night, there's no line at all! After leaving Sea World, I spent about a half hour at the hotel before we left trying to track down Kristin's pillow, which we left in the room. Apparently it got thrown in with the others in the laundry. I had them search the room, and the laundry chute itself. Twice. They did finally find it, which was a tremendous relief. Hey, don't go passing judgment until you've slept on it. I would have rutted about their pillow pile until I found it, if I had to. ------------------------------------------------
Thursday, April 01, 2004 Clever Boy I asked Parker last night while he was taking a bath what a dolphin says. He looked up, made a fist, slapped the water, and stated "Splash." ------------------------------------------------
Landbound Huey This might just be a guy thing, but has anyone else out there considered driving around in their minivan with the side doors wide open? It would be kind of like being in a land-bound Huey helicopter. Give it some thought. ------------------------------------------------
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Wednesday, April 28, 2004 Parker has spent the past half-hour leafing through Jeff's Superman graphic novel he's borrowed from the library. Jeff was a HUGE collector in HS/college, and I have been hoping (against hope) that Parker would not become obsessed like his dad is/was. Sadly, he REALLY liked all the pictures he saw. Like father, like son, hunh?? ------------------------------------------------
My lungs hurt. Just wanted to complain. It hurts to cough, though my body won't stop that. Because of the coughing, I virtually have no voice, and my throat hurts when swallowing. My body still aches and I still have a fever. I just want this to GO AWAY!! I don't wanna deal with this today, especially since Blue's Clues is about to be over, and then Parker will want to really interact and I just don't have any energy. Why is it that when he is sick, he still is full of energy and doesn't just want to sleep in a fetal position? I wish I had his recovery ability too. Ok, I'm done complaining. ------------------------------------------------
Monday, April 26, 2004 Parker has two raised bumps on either side of his neck that I just felt today ... they aren't noticeable except for when he turns his head sideways and holds it there. I wondered if he had swollen lymph nodes, so I decided to play it safe and go to the doctor. While describing to the nurse what was going on, he made me kinda freak, and said it didn't sound like strep and that we needed to see the doctor right away to examine those lymph nodes. Well, we see the doctor (who Parker is afraid of ... oh well), and he does a complete exam including checking his lymph nodes under his arms and in his groin area ... all is well with that. Apparently it is normal for the lymph nodes on the sides of the neck to be a little swollen during development. He did also check his throat (which was fine) and his ears, and he has a "very mild ear infection" on his left ear. He was prescribed Amoxicillin for it, and since he's been sick for two weeks now, I'm not waiting this one out. It was odd though, that the nurse freaked about the glands, but the doctor didn't (of course, the nurse was going solely on my description, while the doctor was hands on). ------------------------------------------------
Friday, April 23, 2004 You should sit down .... because this might shock you to your core. I've updated Parker's website and pictures. I have only gotten through his first two years, but that means THREE FULL MONTHS of unviewed pictures;). 21, 22, and 23 months of age, there for your perusal. Please take a looksee and leave comments here. ------------------------------------------------
Well, after waking up Jeff, I did sleep for a bit on the couch (from like 6 am to 7 am) and then Parker seemed tired enough to go back to sleep then. This child is gonna be the death of me!!! We woke up at 11:15 for the day. He is, of course, his normal chipper self, and I'm just a mass of misery. I know part of it is that he has a super bad cough, but MAN let Mama sleep!!! ------------------------------------------------
It is 5:49 am .... And I have yet to sleep. Parker has decided that he just isn't tired. He woke up right when I was heading to bed (of course), and after nursing him for over an hour , then going to bed and hearing him tossing and turning in his toddler bed then getting up to climb in bed with us and having him roll over me and get right in my face several times (somehow he left Jeff completely alone), I tried to get him to fall back asleep rocking in the glider. After 30 minutes of that, I gave up. I turned on the TV, and we watched television, with him going intermittently to play cars. At 5:10 am I sent Parker to go wake up Jeff, who was understandably upset about being awoken an hour early. Please, please, PLEASE pray that I can sleep sometime this morning while Parker "naps". ------------------------------------------------
Tuesday, April 20, 2004 Oh.my.goodness!! I just cleaned my fridge out from top to bottom. I typically keep it clean, but don't completely empty it, scrub it down and replace food. Apparently, I need to do that more often. I had carrots. And parsnips. I don't remember buying them. I had thought that my veggie tray got emptied and re-filled fairly often, but I guess they were in the back in the bottom and I just didn't notice them . Well, now I need to puree the bad veggies to put in my compost. Yuck-yuck-yuck!!! I am not looking forward to this, but I know putting these whole things out there will take forever to compost. I think I'll be boiling some water with cinnamon and cloves in it this evening!! ------------------------------------------------
I'm just not sure if this is encouraging him or not: When Parker gets mad or frustrated about something that he wants but can't have right then (like a cookie, to nurse, to not go to sleep, etc.), he'll start hitting, kicking, and/or throwing if the point isn't being taken by us . We will tell him "no" and prevent him from hurting us (blocking or holding his arms/legs back(but not pinning him), taking his thrown objects away to "time-out") as he releases his frustration anger, all the time trying to tell him he sound say, "I'm angry" instead (yeah, THIS is working ). Then, after his temper has passed, he'll start crying and needing a hug RIGHT THEN. I've been doing it, scooping him up when he starts bawling with his arms spread out wide, but part of me wonders if this is really assuring him that even when he is mad/mean he is still lovable or if this is telling him that he can be mad/mean and violent, and we'll just take it. I don't know, but it is getting old. ------------------------------------------------
Saturday, April 17, 2004 Today, Jeff, Parker and I went traipsing around town looking at houses (the Parade of Homes) we couldn't afford simply to look, dream and critique. It was actually a lot of fun, and if Parker weren't exhausted about half-way through, and not allowed to run through the houses with wild abandon, it would have been perfectly delightful. There were several houses that were much larger than ours but that seemed so poorly laid out that even us, with our minimal requirements, would never have even considered it. There was one house we really, really liked, and it cost $275K (they claimed they could duplicate the house on a different land plot (closer to 1 acre than the 1.4 acre plot this house was on) for about $222K. The most expensive house we saw was $889K ... you needed about $222K IN CASH just to close!! Granted, it was almost 5000 square feet, was gorgeous, had a media room with a dumb waiter, had 3 balconies, a sun room, living room, family room, eat-in kitchen, dining room, study, and 4 bedrooms, but who's counting!! It sure is fun to dream big sometimes . ------------------------------------------------
On Being a Mom by Anna Quindlen If not for the photographs, I might have a hard time believing they ever existed. The pensive infant with the swipe of dark bangs and the blackbutton eyes of a Raggedy Andy doll. The placid baby with the yellow ringlets and the high piping voice. The sturdy toddler with the lower lip that curled into an apostrophe above her chin. ALL MY BABIES are gone now. I say this not in sorrow but in disbelief. I take great satisfaction in what I have today: three almost-adults, two taller than I am, one closing in fast. Three people who read the same books I do and have learned not to be afraid of disagreeing with me in their opinion of them, who sometimes tell vulgar jokes that make me laugh until I choke and cry, who need razor blades and shower gel and privacy, who want to keep their doors closed more than I like. Who, miraculously, go to the bathroom, zip up their jackets and move food from plate to mouth all by themselves. Like the trick soap I bought for the bathroom with a rubber ducky at its center, the baby is buried deep within each, barely discernible except through the unreliable haze of the past. Everything in all the books I once pored over is finished for me now. Penelope Leach. T. Berry Brazelton. Dr. Spock. The ones on sibling rivalry and sleeping through the night and early-childhood education, all grown obsolete. Along with Goodnight Moon and Where the Wild Things Are, they are battered, spotted, well used. But I suspect that if you flipped the pages dust would rise like memories. What those books taught me, finally, and what the women on the playground taught me, and the well-meaning relations --what they taught me was that they couldn't really teach me very much at all. Raising children is presented at first as a true-false test, then becomes multiple choice, until finally, far along, you realize that it is an endless essay. No one knows anything. One child responds well to positive reinforcement, another can be managed only with a stern voice and a timeout. One boy is toilet trained at 3, his brother at 2. When my first child was born, parents were told to put baby to bed on his belly so that he would not choke on his own spit-up. By the time my last arrived, babies were put down on their backs because of research on sudden infant death syndrome. To a new parent this ever-shifting certainty is terrifying, and then soothing. Eventually you must learn to trust yourself. Eventually the research will follow. How silly it all seems now, the obsessing about language acquisition and physical milestones, the riding the waves of normal, gifted, hyperactive, all those labels that reduced individuality to a series of cubbyholes. But I could not help myself. I had watched my mother casually raise five children born over 10 years, but by watching her I intuitively knew that I was engaged in the greatest and potentially most catastrophic task of my life. I knew that there were mothers who had worried with good reason, that there were children who would have great challenges to meet. We were lucky; ours were not among them. Nothing horrible or astonishing happened: there was hernia surgery, some stitches, a broken arm and a fuchsia cast to go with it. Mostly ours were the ordinary everyday terrors and miracles of raising a child, and our children's challenges the old familiar ones of learning to live as themselves in the world. The trick was to get past my fears, my ego and my inadequacies to help them do that. I remember 15 years ago poring over one of Dr. Brazelton's wonderful books on child development, in which he describes three different sorts of infants: average, quiet, and active. I was looking for a sub-quiet codicil for an 18-month-old who did not walk. Was there something wrong with his fat little legs? Was there something wrong with his tiny little mind? Was he developmentally delayed, physically challenged? Was I insane? Last year he went to China. Next year he goes to college. He can talk just fine. He can walk, too. Every part of raising children is humbling, too. Believe me, mistakes were made. They have all been enshrined in the Remember-When-Mom-Did Hall of Fame. The outbursts, the temper tantrums, the bad language, mine, not theirs. The times the baby fell off the bed. The times I arrived late for preschool pickup. The nightmare sleepover. The horrible summer camp. The day when the youngest came barreling out of the classroom with a 98 on her geography test, and I responded, What did you get wrong? (She insisted I include that.) The time I ordered food at the McDonald's drive-through speaker and then drove away without picking it up from the window. (They all insisted I include that.) I did not allow them to watch the Simpsons for the first two seasons. What was I thinking? But the biggest mistake I made is the one that most of us make while doing this. I did not live in the moment enough. This is particularly clear now that the moment is gone, captured only in photographs. There is one picture of the three of them sitting in the grass on a quilt in the shadow of the swing set on a summer day, ages 6, 4 and 1. And I wish I could remember what we ate, and what we talked about, and how they sounded, and how they looked when they slept that night. I wish I had not been in such a hurry to get on to the next thing: dinner, bath, book, bed. I wish I had treasured the doing a little more and the getting it done a little less. Even today I'm not sure what worked and what didn't, what was me and what was simply life. When they were very small, I suppose I thought someday they would become who they were because of what I'd done. Now I suspect they simply grew into their true selves because they demanded in a thousand ways that I back off and let them be. The books said to be relaxed and I was often tense, matter-of-fact and I was sometimes over the top. And look how it all turned out. I wound up with the three people I like best in the world, who have done more than anyone to excavate my essential humanity. That's what the books never told me. I was bound and determined to learn from the experts. It just took me a while to figure out who the experts were. ------------------------------------------------
Wednesday, April 14, 2004 Well, so far, we haven't had to use his breathing treatments . His breaths are about 30 to 35 a minute, so I'm just keeping track of him. He's still in good spirits, but his previously healthy appetite has all but disappeared. ------------------------------------------------
Poor Parker is sounding worse and worse as the day wears on. His cough has made him throw up this morning, his breathing seems to be getting labored, and he can't stay asleep when he went down for his nap. I am thinking I'll have to break out his breathing machine and give him some albuterol. This really sucks, because he hadn't needed it for OVER A YEAR!! Damn it, I was hoping to remove this label of "asthma" for him, but it might still be valid. I am just so sad about it. My poor little boy. ------------------------------------------------
Tuesday, April 13, 2004 Jeff and I are both huge brown-thumbs, and after years of weed-landscaping, decided to change our house to a more contemporary feel by using river rocks as large planting beds. We plan to used potted plants to decorate, and maybe add some evergreens here and there. Here's where we are currently at:  This one is leading to the front door. There is a gazing ball stand there that I want to get a mirrored stainless steel ball for. We've added numbers (you might be able to see them on the post) that are very contemporary (quite a change from the painted wood, with a green patina we had there previously). We transplanted our azalea bulbs to plants by the front door, and have started using concrete edgers.  This is under the office window. I personally hate our siding, as it seems so lifeless. If anyone has any suggestions on what to do about that window, please let me know (shutters won't look right, besides, how would you attach them??). If noone has any suggestions, I'll just have to start another thread about it.  This is the other side of the front walkway, with a window to the kitchen. The tree there is a redbud tree that we planted as a seedling when I was about 4 months pregnant with Parker ! The best part about this side is that we just had a huge rainstorm last year, and there was NO FLOODING over here!!  Here's how we plan to finish the rock bed to the driveway ... those are the concret edgers we're using. We'd considered having extruded concrete laid instead, but it was $3.50/foot!! These are about $2 for 18" and $1.50 for 8" curved.  This is my square foot garden plots on the side of the house. They are in their own fence, which we can use to resell as a dog run or still the garden. I had planned to have a really nice compost bin, but right now we're using a wire circle. I need to figure out what I can plant and get to work!  Here is our sycamore tree, that was planted when we bought the house. We had a mulched bed around it, but I didn't like the look of it, and it had no borders. We're going to put the rocks around it as well. It is taking a while, but I hope the end solution will look better than our weed garden ... now just to figure out what types of plants in pots to put out there, and what kind of pots to get! ------------------------------------------------
Sunday, April 11, 2004 In the span of 3 hours now, my child has gone from seemingly completely healthy to a runny faucet. What really gets to me is that he's been sooo healthy all winter, and now he's catching something when it is sunny and warm out. I know, I should be grateful. And I know I shouldn't blame the child with the runny nose at the small Easter egg hunt on Friday. I know that being around people means a risk for catching some virus, and that when they are young is when they develop the immunities to these viruses that protect them when they are older. But when my child has to wipe his nose 30 times an hour, and it is already looking raw, and I know this is going to last at least a full day, I'm mad. I'm even more upset when I know I'm starting to feel extra post-nasal drip, and it is Sunday, and Jeff goes to work tomorrow. ------------------------------------------------
Just the other day, there was a local girl that had been in a car accident, and while trying to get to help on a dark, rural road, she was struck and dragged 200 feet. The police believe she may have been hit multiple times. Jeff told me about it that day on his way to work (he had to drive by the scene). Here's the story. Can you imagine KNOWING you hit someone and keeping on going? It makes me so sad. I feel so bad for her parents and family/friends. She had her whole life in front of her, you know? ------------------------------------------------
Thursday, April 08, 2004 Yes, this is one of those pathetic, irrational, self-centered complaints. All day yesterday and now today, Parker has been calling me "Mommy". My husband, meanie that he is, calls me this most often because he's TOO LAZY TO RESPECT MY WISHES to be called Mama, as my mom is called. I have respected his, by calling him "daddy" instead of "papa", which comes more naturally to me. And so, Parker, obviously calls him Daddy. But now, because of my husband's seeming lack of care, my child is calling my mommy and it sends chills up my spine. I can't explain it, but it makes me very sad, and angry at the same time. I figured rather than cry about it and yell at DH, I'd blog about it. And, you know, I don't make a big deal out of it to Parker, I just say "Mama" and he'll say it. I think the reason it bugged me so was that it is perpetuated by Jeff, who decided that even though it mattered to me, it wasn't worthy of his remembering. ------------------------------------------------
Parker's favorite is currently "Hey Ya" by Outkast. He dances with his hands forward like they do in the video, and he's starting to say "Ice Cold" in response to the question, where they ask "What's cooler than being Cool?" It is TOO FUNNY!! His next favorite is Scat Man by Scatman John. He asks for it by flubbing his lips with his fingers. It is too cute! He just LOVES to dance!!! ------------------------------------------------
Wednesday, April 07, 2004 The Guest House This being human is a guest house. Every morning a new arrival. A joy, a depression, a meanness, some momentary awareness comes as an unexpected visitor. Welcome and entertain them all! Even if they are a crowd of sorrows, who violently sweep your house empty of its furniture, still, treat each guest honorably. He may be clearing you out for some new delight. The dark thought, the shame, the malice. meet them at the door laughing and invite them in. Be grateful for whatever comes. because each has been sent as a guide from beyond. -- Jelaluddin Rumi, translation by Coleman Barks ------------------------------------------------
2 Cents Added:
Really loved your sait. Well done. By Really loved your sait. Well done. By Parker has had consistently bloodshot eyes since the weekend. I thought it was from lack of sleep (since it was an exciting weekend), but he's been sleeping a lot so far this week, and they are STILL bloodshot! It could be allergies however he shows no other signs, but Florida is BAD For allergies, that's for sure. And, it isn't pink eye .... they just look bloodshot, like when you are overtired. But he's been sleeping a lot the past days (and eating a lot -- much more than usual!). I think he's going through a growth spurt as well ... could it be related to that? ------------------------------------------------
Monday, April 05, 2004 Jeff, Parker and I got to Sea World first and met up with my mom-friend Joanne and family first. We went ahead and saw some stingrays, turtles and manatees before meeting up with Adrielle and her family. Posing in front of the bronze manatees (notice Parker with a cookie, which was the source of future Parker-tantrums)  M., J., and Parker  We then went and had lunch at one of Sea World's eateries, and found out just how Sea World makes all their money (note to self: bring food next time); Parker was blissfully asleep while we ate. After lunch, we headed over to see the Dolphin show, which was a HUGE hit. Parker, refreshed from his nap and covered in strawberry juice, points out the dolphins when the show starts ...  ...it was doing this:  D., Parker, and C. clapping along, with J. looking backwards  All October Babies  We ended up going over to the children's play area, and slid slides, traversed high adventure houses, played drums, and ended up in the age-appropriate play section, complete with a mini-bounce house (much enjoyed), mini-adventure house, huge sandpit with playsets, houses, etc. Here, the kids had a blast while the parents recuperated ... sorry, no pictures. However, just to the side of this area was a HUGE grassy area, where we went over to have the "obligatory" pictures. I just loved meeting up with Joanne and her family; they just seemed so great, and the kids were awesome. It was kinda weird, though, because as much as we all know each other, at first I couldn't think of anything to talk about with Joanne ... can you imagine? She was great though, and kept the conversation going, and Jeff and I enjoyed meeting them. J. and M. were so well-behaved and laid back; they appeared to be having a ton of fun. C. is just a spit-fire ... so full of energy and adventure. She's grown so very much from when we last saw her, when she tried to get Parker's attention. Now he's the one chasing her!  It was so cool meeting up with Adrielle again, and meeting her husband and D. They were all very energetic and relaxed, and we ended up spending the rest of the day with them, all the way up to seeing the lame fireworks Sea World has to offer (we're pretty spoiled with the extravaganzas Disney has). D. was so sweet and introspective, and C. obviously adored him, following her big brother around at times. It was great to see them interact. Soon, it was all three of the October Babes with an impromptu "Ring Around The Rosie".    Not long after that, older boys M. and D. got in on the action with some good-natured chase/follow-the-leader (note: Parker doesn't follow very well).    Finally, after some energy was expended, we rounded the kids up for "photo-time" and got some pictures with them, just them, and then without them.     All in all, we had a great time, despite the resultant sunburn, and Parker's status as most-frequent-tantrummer . Jeff and I both commented on how fun it was to meet up with other families that have kids Parker's age and that we find so easy to get along with. Thanks for the fun, Joanne and Adrielle !! ------------------------------------------------
Saturday, April 03, 2004 Birth Processing My introductory post to the ICAN Community: Hello, all. My name is Kristin, and I am a SAH/WAHM of Parker, born 10/15/01 via Cesarean section. I chose a young OB that I picked because she was the only one who would answer ANY questions before selecting her as a doctor here in my town (Gainesville, Florida), and made me feel at ease by saying it wasn't standard for her to do episiotomies ... my most dreaded fear of childbirth (little was I to know that other cuts would be AS dreaded). I had read up a lot on childbirth beforehand, and felt at ease with a natural birth, and had asked her some pointed questions about her C-section and epidural rate, and felt quite comfortable until the end. Of course, looking back there should have been warning signs, but hindsight is always 20/20. I was labeled high-risk at the start, because I had borderline high blood pressure (it was 120/80 at two visits in a row, during which time I also lost about 5 pounds from constant vomiting) and was given meds to lower it. I don't know how much of my blood pressure "problems" were because I was so ill, because I have always stressed at the doctors' office, or because I was, and am, rather overweight. My overall pregnancy was uneventful, as Jeff (my DH) and I attended childbirth and parent preparation classes (all, in hindsight, rather useless), and we decided to try the Bradley method, and told our OB as much. Her response was, "I see no reason for moms to suffer unnecessarily" -- Hint 1. She also never gave us exact rates for her episiotomy and c-section percentages -- Hint 2. She also was bord-eligible, but not certified at the time -- Hint 3. Did I worry about these? Not really. I had my almighty birth plan, she read it over, and said we could definitely try and meet that. Then, I passed my due date. Actually, even before that, at about 38 weeks, she wanted to start doing NSTs. After he repeated cajoling and "you need to's", I agreed. The first one took forever because my child moved too much. The second one required my OB to come, because of a drop (to normal heart rate!!) when I switched positions. This was NOT going well, and I did NOT agree with these NSTs. I'm sure in my records it says "non-cooperative" and/or "surly". Below is my birth summary that I wrote about a month after my C-section: So, my thoughts on this whole business. Pregnancy was okay after the first four months and until the last. The beginning was constant sickness, morning, noon and night. The end was just constant exhaustion and heat ... which has only somewhat been relieved by now. At the end, I was in a state of constant vacillation ... wanting it to be done, and afraid to start the next phase. I figured that at least after laboring, it would all seem much more of a relief. Well, our original plan of a normal labored birth was not to be ... Parker was considered too big to fit in my pelvis, as he had not yet even started to drop and was already 5 days late and estimated to be about 10 pounds on ultrasound. Because he had not dropped, my cervix had made absolutely no progress, so with that there were already three strikes against out plan for his birth. The final and probably most important straw was the fact that there was very low amniotic fluid regardless of my drinking a small lake for several days before the ultrasound (supposedly that will increase the fluid level). So, Parker was to be born by C-section later that day (Monday, October 15th). Now, I have neither read about nor truly paid attention in our childbirth classes to any part involving C-sections. So, from the time we got home after our appointment until the time we left, I tried to mentally prepare myself and read up a little on what to expect. When we got to the hospital, I had to get an IV in my hand (this process is extremely painful...don't let anyone ever tell you differently. My hand hurt until the IV was out of my hand, and it was bruised for two more days). After half and hour of poking and prodding, they were successful. Next, they take me into the surgery suite for the epidural. This was the part I was dreading most. Knowing about the spinal cord and how epidurals and spinals are given, the idea of sticking a needle anywhere near the cord frightened me. Luckily, the anesthesiologist was great as was the nurse anesthetist who actually administered the epidural. Granted, my blood pressure shot way down, and they had to give me some medicine to bring it back up and they laid me down. My entire body went into some weird zone, and I lost all feeling from my chest down (which was, of course, good). When they asked me "can you feel this" and I said "what?", they proceeded to begin. Jeff made it in to see a loopy wife on the table with all sorts of things strapped onto me and me body in the Christ position. He apparently held my hand and saw them take a fingerprint for the records (on the same page as Parker's footprints). I found out about that later. It all seemed quite surreal. Jeff went to go get the camera, which I agreed to after all the nurses and doctor's talked us into it, and I asked the anesthesiologist if they were going to wait until Jeff got back to start and she said they had already started. Jeff got back, sat down, apparently took my hand, and the next thing I knew, they were holding this purply-pink baby over the drape and saying look at your baby, who started peeing right away. I didn't really recognize it as a baby right away, and then they took him over to the warmer, where he peed again, and Jeff went with him. I believe I cried. Pictures were taken, I held Parker, and then he and Jeff went to the nursery. They sewed and stapled me up, and I went back into the labor/recovery room. It is amazing how numb the epidural makes you ... I could not move my legs to save the world. So, I finally got to see and hold Parker, who was apparently very, very hungry, so we immediately tried breastfeeding. Man, I felt so lucky, he made it all seem quite easy, and things were like that for the first several days. What I did not mention in the above was my feelings. When we went in for my 41 week visit (actually, 40w5d), my sister had just left from a week-long visit, hoping to be present for Parker's birth. I had had NO contractions that I know of. I felt tired and big. It was October in Florida, and the average temperature was probably 90-F. We go in, she checks me, and nothing has changed. 0 cm, 0% effaced. She does a quick U/S, and says, "We need to do a C-section. Today." Her reasoning was this: Parker was big ... really big. Macrosomic. She believed he would be 10 pounds, but he could be up to 12!!! (She briefly mentioned that is was 'possible' that he'd be as small as 8, but she really doubted it.) Not only that, but I had low amniotic fluid, and it was getting dangerous in there for him. And, on top of it all, she was sure he was too big to fit through my pelvis/cervix, because he was head down, but not engaging the cervix at all, and thus it wasn't dilating or effacing. She wanted to do it immediately, RIGHT THEN, but I had just eaten, and I wanted to call my parents to come down (they lived in north Georgia, about 6 hours away). So, we schedule it for 6 hours later, and we go home. I go straight to the computer and do a few quick searches on the internet for C-section, since I had never even considered it an option, and then I went to our bed, laid in a fetal position, and cried. I kept crying, and mourning my birth experience then, and I think that feeling of loss is still present for me daily. After the surgery, I felt so disconnected from Parker (who I called "kitty" upon seeing him in the surgical suite), that I was fine with everyone else holding him and I got to be alone. Didn't bug me one bit. I didn't FEEL like a mom, but I had a baby. As I was recovering, I did a couple of Pub-Med searches, trying to find some paper that talked about my symptoms being indications for C-section and never found it. I remember going back for my post-partum appointment at 4 weeks and feeling totally betrayed. So, now I am here, ready to face this sadness so that I can move on. I have not been interested in getting pregnant again because of this fear. I had originally wanted my children 18 months apart. Parker is now 30 months old, and I am NOT pregnant. I have not been back to a gynecologist since my post-partum appointment, either, and I know I need to find SOMEone for routine care. I just haven't felt motivated to be the person I was beforehand. I have been reading this forum for a few days now, and have cried repeatedly seeing bits and pieces of my own story in so many others. I do feel it is cleansing, and look forward to joining in with you all. Labels: caesarian, informed choice, Kristin ------------------------------------------------
Thursday, April 01, 2004 We're gonna be published!!!! As many of you know, Jeff and I are now running an out-of-the-home business, doing graphic and web design. Our main work for the past year has been in logos and corporate identities, and we had submitted our work to a professional community of logo designers for a very competitive competition for inclusion in a trade book (last year's was hugely successful - view here). Well, they plan on including 2000 logos from over 12,000 entries. And they've selected 8 of ours!!! We are so terribly excited!! Most of these people have been in the business 10 to 20 or more years!!!! Here are the ones that were selected:       ------------------------------------------------
Here are some pictures from our recent trip to Animal Kingdom. Parker had a BLAST seeing all the animals. We did a character breakfast in the morning, and he loved Goofy.  After many cautious attempts he finally started playing in the water over in Asia:  This is my absolute favorite picture of the day:  And this one is just hilarious ... look at the looks on their faces!!!  And, even though I look horrendous, it is still a sweet picture:  ------------------------------------------------
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