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Saturday, January 01, 2005 Missing Inaction
I've fallen in the quantum accelerator and vanished. As soon as I've righted what once went wrong, I'm sure I'll be posting again. ------------------------------------------------
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Labor started Pretty darn positive. Contractions getting intense, lost mucous plug, light bloody show, loose bowels. Sound about right? Palms are sweaty too. ------------------------------------------------
Stay Home My doula supports staying home and going in pushing. Of course, she's had a VBAC, and knows the fight we're in for. I just cannot, in good conscious, choose something that I know is less safe for me and my baby, because of someone else's schedule. Thankfully, the contractions that went away at my midwife's call have picked back up -- so hopefully, this will all be moot. ------------------------------------------------
The Best Option A friend told me that she wanted to make sure I was around for my children. Me too! The two-fold risk of my death with an elective cesarean over a vaginal birth, though, would decrease those chances. (Don't believe me? The research shows it: http://www.dona.org/PDF/CIMScsec-fact-sheet.pdf) This is NOT about a desired birth experience. This is about what is healthy and in my and my baby's best interest. If I cared most about the experience, I wouldn't be fighting it, I just wouldn't have an OB! I'd stay home, see if the baby came, not worry about any possible complications, and if the baby lived or not, ehh--who cares? At least I got to go into labor and push? No, that is not what this is about at all, and it really hurts that some friends apparently think that. I have researched this religiously for 7 months and if for ONE SECOND I did not believe that a vaginal birth was the safest, best course of action for my baby and me, I wouldn't pursue it. ------------------------------------------------
My Apparent Options Options: 1. Wait to go into labor a. Stay home to have baby b. Go in pushing, decline ERCS c. Go in during advanced active labor and fight against ERCS 2. Ask for induction on Tuesday 3. Agree to ERCS on Wednesday Issues 1. Don’t know when it’ll happen a. No medical support, possible birth complications unprepared for b. Might have baby in car or still be forced into C-section c. Might have hard time not having c-section/stall labor/forced c-section -- or transferred to another hospital? 2. Increased risk of UR; high failure rate; higher chance for ERCS 3. All risks associated with ERCS ------------------------------------------------
Flip-Flop Well, I just got the most UNWELCOME phone call -- I am just so fuming, I don't know what to say .... My midwife just called, to see how I was doing, and to let me know that her overseeing OB, Dr. L., will be leaving town come Wednesday night. Why is this important, you ask? Well, apparently, his back-up OB, Dr. A., and he discussed my "case" and the back-up is UNWILLING to "give me" a VBAC. So, I need to have this baby by Wednesday, according to Jane. They want me to come in today, this afternoon, to see how things are, if they've progressed, etc. Dr. L. will be gone for a week. WTF?!?!? So, essentially, if I don't go into true labor by Wednesday, I'll have to submit to UNNECESSARY SURGERY?!?!?!? Oh, this is bullshit! ------------------------------------------------
Sunday, January 30, 2005 The Wait'll kill you! Well, nothing is happening here, and I'm trying not to focus on it. This baby will come when s/he is good and ready. I was going to ask all my friends questions like "when (what time of day) did you go into labor? how long was early labor?", etc., but I know that each woman and each baby is different. I should probably not expect to go into labor before Tuesday, as I had not gone into labor by 5 days past 40 weeks with Parker. Jeff just jokingly said that the State of the Union is Wednesday, so I'll probably go into labor then, as it'll make me want to "pass a brick"!! Ah, male humor! I'm ready, I've addressed my fears (they are all about the hospital, not the labor or birth), and the baby is in a great position it seems. Last night I noticed that I might actually have NEW stretch marks forming on the left side of my belly, where Sprout is hanging out, and my belly button was sooo off-center last night, it was disturbing. I think we might paint my belly or something today -- I'd love to henna it, but I don't know that I trust Jeff to do that! ------------------------------------------------
Thursday, January 27, 2005 It's Time...I'm Waiting I know that today is my due date, but I woke up with nothing! Yesterday AND the day before, I woke up with contractions. I have had ONE in the past hour, and nothing else. I was having them so regularly yesterday, and the walk in the woods, and everything, so to have none today is really, really frustrating!! I know I shouldn't have been expecting to go early or at least by my due date, but I was -- and I'm disappointed. This morning, when I checked my email (I use Outlook), the little "reminder" popped up saying "Overdue: EDD for Sprout". It made me just want to cry!! So, I'm trying to get up the energy/motivation to clean this house from top to bottom in the "nesting spirit" that I don't have, and not just mope about that I'm not in labor or with baby in arms. I want Sprout here NOW! I want to know if this is baby Kira or baby Aidan!! I NEED TO KNOW!! I think I'm also worried, because the OB won't induce -- he'll go straight to the cut, though I guess I could insist (I'd rather be induced than have another c-section)? Knowing that I have this "deadline" which I haven't been thinking about before is a little stressing, and I know that doesn't help ... I don't know why today is starting out so difficult. ------------------------------------------------
Tuesday, January 25, 2005 Midwife Appointment We went in to see our midwife and her OB today. First, we had to wait for over an hour! It was really crazy, and we thought more than once about just up and leaving, but honestly, because of how things have happened in the past, we didn’t want to cause more of an issue than there already is, fighting to be treated as normal. Not only did we have to wait, but they had the heat cranked up so high – we were all flushed! So, we finally got into the sonogram room, and the nurse told me to strip from the waist down and put this sheet over me, and the doctor and Jane would be in – I told her I’d rather start by talking to the doctor clothed (you know – some dignity!!), and she seemed surprised by that, but went and got them both. We brought up not being able to afford the US, and somehow it ended up that I guess they aren’t charging for it, or something, because it ended up being that it wouldn’t have a financial impact on us (or at least, that’s the general gist I ended up with). We also asked if they could evaluate the other ways first, and the OB said that US was the only one he could do that would really tell us anything (I guess he hasn’t palpated for size in so long, that he can’t just do that ). So, we ended up consenting to the US, and they knew beforehand that regardless of what it said we planned on laboring. The US measurements seemed to reassure the OB (and Jane, too), that this baby isn’t enormous – estimated weight is 8 lbs 3 oz, 64%ile, and the abdomen is actually much smaller (the head is a week ahead, the abdomen a week behind, the femur right on – the error in weeks is 2 to 3 for all measurements ). He also checked my pelvis and cervix and said I have an “adequate pelvis” that should have no problem birthing this baby, my cervix is soft, 20% effaced, and ½ cm dialated (he said this was a favorable cervix). Based on where he took the measurements, this baby is LOA/LOT (no longer posterior!!). His “evaluation” is that I have 60% or greater chance of having this baby vaginally, and the reason it isn’t higher is that the baby is still quite high, not even in the pelvis yet (meaning not even –2). He felt that if I choose to go post-term (which he defined as my due date – so, Thursday), he wouldn’t go past 41 weeks, and if the baby hasn’t moved into the pelvis by term, and definitely by 41 weeks, then I should elect a repeat cesarean. Of course, I don’t necessarily agree with that last part (I need to do research). In summary, compared to last time, the only repeating “condition” as of now is that the baby hasn’t dropped into the pelvis yet. ------------------------------------------------
Staying Positive I've been doing squats, and birthing ball bouncing to music (Parker thinks that is hilarious ), and I've made my pot of red raspberry leaf (RRL) tea, I'm doing laundry, cleaning the house ... My doula has also been made aware of the situation, and I'm hoping when I go in to see the midwife today, we can easily be evaluated other ways than US, and since I'm having contractions, they'll be more supportive. I'm staying positive!! ------------------------------------------------
Still going!! Well, we did sleep (which really was great), and now that I'm back up, my contractions are about 9 minutes apart, lasting 30 to 40 seconds. So, I'm gonna get stuff done around here, dance, bounce, walk, etc., and hopefully will have some progress to report later today!! I was so excited last night, considering when I was pregnant with Parker, I never got to have contractions. ------------------------------------------------
Monday, January 24, 2005 Running on Empty Blech -- it feels like it is petering out (rather, it isn't really progressing), so I'm probably going to try one or two more things, and then call it a night. I'm thinking sleep might be a good idea regardless -- I'd hate for things to really pick up while I feel tired. ------------------------------------------------
Still Going In between, s/he's moving around a lot ... I assume that is normal and his/her attempt to get into a good position? I'm drinking some more raspberry leaf tea ... and I'm going to go bounce on my ball. I'm partly thinking I should try to sleep some right now, but I'm afraid that'll make it peter out. ------------------------------------------------
Contracting, but comfortable ... Still contracting, about the same .... maybe my body is waiting for the unstoppable bunny named Parker to go to sleep?? Still comfortable through them, though. ------------------------------------------------
I think my labor might have started. I've been having contractions since about 6 pm, every 7 minutes, lasting about 30 or 40 seconds. I know it could be a long, long, long time from now, and that it could peter out, but I'm hopeful. I've had a feeling that the 25th would be the day (full moon, my parents' wedding anniversary, etc.), so I'm very, very excited that this might be it! I've just realized that I need to pack a bag for Parker, the baby clothes are in the washer, I need to think about my own hospital bag ... PLEASE let these pick up and not peter out!! ------------------------------------------------
Saturday, January 22, 2005 Just another day Nope, still no labor. Got our car back, $4500 later. New engine, but apparently there may be a transmission leak as well. Of course, my first thought was that it was the transmission and not the engine -- but it was definitely the engine, there just may be an issue with the transmission as well. Apparently, after the new engine was installed, they saw that the transmission had no fluid in it, which is odd, as when the car initially died, I had Jeff check the oil & fluids (because I was hopeful and the oil light had come on), and we had plenty of both. So, when we go back at 500 miles, they'll do a transmission service, and we are to keep an eye on it in the meantime. Parker has been adding "l"s to his words, making compound syllable sounds, so "black" no longer sounds like "bwack". We are 95% and 100% positive that the names will be either Kira Elizabeth or Aidan Caldwell Morris (I decided I couldn't stand Adrian -- it didn't sit right with me for some reason). Parker swears he's having a baby sister, Kira, so we'll have to see if he's right. Our weather is about to turn chilly (from today's high of 74-F to a predicted high of 48-F tomorrow ), we're almost at a full moon, and I'm hoping either, both, etc. will have some effect on my going in to labor. I ate spicy food today as well (I can't handle spicy food!!), and just want to get going!!! I know it isn't likely, but a girl can dream. Finally, we were out today, and stopped at Joanne's Fabric & Crafts looking at the discounted Valentine's day stuff, and Parker knocked this horrendously ugly frog lawn ornament off of a shelf and it broke, so we had to pay $12 for it. I guess going 3 years without an incident is actually good, but it still sucks that we had to buy it and it was broken beyond repair, AND it was hideous!! ------------------------------------------------
Friday, January 21, 2005 When will it end? I just need to get this out -- I'm not expecting anyone to understand or comment. I don't want another ultrasound. I don't see the point of estimating this baby's size, especially at 39/40 weeks, knowing that there is this huge margin of error. Especially considering it was a freaking ultrasound last time that led to the fear-mongering that coerced me into a SCHEDULED C-section. Especially considering it will end up costing me about $200 out of pocket, most likely (thanks to a new year, and our deductible). We originally had one scheduled for yesterday, but with the van breaking down, we had a good excuse to cancel it. We went in Monday to make up for missing last Friday's appointment (when the van actually died), and all was well -- just saw Jane, didn't have the cervical check she offered, and it was a simple, pleasant appointment. We told them that we would call on Wednesday if we didn't have the van back yet, so they would know we couldn't make it on Thursday. We called Wednesday, and told them we couldn't make it, van was still in the shop, and we needed to schedule a new appointment. The receptionist scheduled me an appointment with Jane for next Thursday, my due date. And I felt really good. This was easy, all is fine with me, and I wouldn't have to fight about not getting the ultrasound I don't want and can't afford. Had a great day yesterday, and last night, when we checked my cervix , we found that it has actually started dilating! I was on such a high -- my cervix never changed last time, so I was feeling awesome, that things were going great, no stress, everything! Then, this morning, Jane called. She said that there seemed to be some miscommunication, as they had expected us yesterday. I told her that we'd called Wednesday and told them that we didn't have a vehicle to get there, and the receptionist person had rescheduled me to see her next week. She asked who we spoke to (I couldn't remember) and when we were rescheduled for. I told her, and she said it should have been with Lukowski not her, and that she didn't see it anyways. Then she started saying how we needed to "assess the baby" and the sooner the better, that I might go in to labor beforehand, but that we needed to at least go through "the motions" and that she wanted me to schedule an appointment on Monday or Tuesday of next week. She said she had a Tuesday at 2:30 pm open, and I said I needed to talk to Jeff about when we were getting the car back (they told us yesterday afternoon that it was ready today) and what his schedule was. I talked to Jeff, and he said we should just go ahead and schedule it, even though neither of us want it and we can't afford it, and if we wanted to, we could simply cancel it beforehand. He's hoping I'll go into labor over the weekend. I don't feel that we can cancel it -- I'm afraid of the consequences to that -- the whole "dropping" their services or what-have-you, and just the stress of it all. But I'm also VERY stressed about having the ultrasound and being pressured to schedule a c-section, and all of that. I just feel completely trapped and stressed. I wish she hadn't called today, or that I hadn't picked up the phone, and could have had this very peaceful, relaxing weekend (or labor ) without feeling this is hanging over my head! I don't expect y'all to get it or to understand why I'm so stressed about it. I just feel like it was the damn US last time that leaded to the Csection -- which may have ended up being necessary, but we'll never know -- and knowing how stressful the PRESSURE will be to have another C-section if this baby doesn't show up to be like 6 pounds on US!! I don't expect this baby will be that small at all. I expect it to be smaller than Parker, but then again, they estimated Parker to be somewhere between 9 pounds 6 ounces and 11 pounds!! So, even if this baby's estimate is smaller, it may still be "too big" for their comfort, and I'll get the pressure then to schedule and when I do come in the hospital in labor. If they don't have an estimate, they can't do that, you know? And I'd rather them NOT have this "evidence" (which has been shown to only be 60% accurate -- umm, isn't chance 50%?) to try and coerce me with. I just don't know -- I don't like the whole thing. BLAHHH!! ------------------------------------------------
Wednesday, January 19, 2005 The end is in sight I think the baby has dropped, but I'm not at all positive. I'm having a lot more pelvic pressure (including 3 bouts yesterday where my entire pelvic floor/perineum felt pressure like a bowel movement -- NEVER had that before!!), baby seems to look lower, and it is much, much harder to get up from a seated position. It is so exciting to even think that it could be, as Parker NEVER engaged or dropped or anything. Sprout also started to turn yesterday evening to LOT (where his/her back was on the left side of my tummy), but then rolled back to OP (where his/her back is laying against my back). It is so weird to realize that tomorrow I am 39 weeks. That this journey's end is truly in sight. At the beginning, I really was not happy about being pregnant, knowing what I was in for medically speaking and knowing how awesome a responsibility it is to have another child. It has taken a long, long, LONG time for me to "lighten up" and just ENJOY this little life inside me, without thinking about all the peripheral stuff. I'm still not 100% in the moment, and I no longer expect myself to get there. ------------------------------------------------
Tuesday, January 18, 2005 Oh, yes -- the ninth month sucks I'm experiencing extreme exhaustion, along with digestive issues, and I'm clinging to hope against hope that the end will be here soon -- for no other reason than that then Jeff will be home with us and I can sleep more. I am so freaking tired today! Parker won't nap, or let me nap, and Jeff can't come home early. I'm just miserable and whiny. ------------------------------------------------
Saturday, January 15, 2005 Crap. Less than 70,000 miles, is a 2000 Caravan, and now we are gonna have to come up with close to $4K to put in a new engine. We briefly considered just getting a new vehicle, but we cannot afford the monthly payments for a car right now! I can't believe how tight money has become lately -- we'll be adding to our credit card debt to get these repairs done -- we were finally seeing an end in sight, but not anymore. This really is the crappiest time for this to happen, and I hate to really complain, because I know we could have it so much worse. But I also know we will owe taxes because of our freelance work, and we owe property taxes in the next month or two, and I just don't know how we're gonna make it!! And it isn't like I can easily take a new job with a newborn and Parker that would make up any of the cost difference. I know we'll make it through, I know it'll end up alright in the end, but for right now, it is really depressing and stinks!! I just want one thing to be easy, you know? ------------------------------------------------
Friday, January 14, 2005 Our van died! We are afraid it is the engine. It was a three-ring circus this morning, with Jeff getting a ride from a stranger back to the house to get the other car, so that Parker could safely ride (needed a carseat), then to the auto shop where there is apparently a HUGE line of cars to be repaired today, to finally back home, with Parker screaming, "I wanna see Miss Jane!!!!!" the entire time. Oh, and now two other clients have come back to finish up projects that had been put on hold, a new client agreed to a contract we started last week, so now we're also swamped with freelance. I just KNOW this is the weekend for me to go into labor. So, how much does a new engine cost??? ------------------------------------------------
Thursday, January 13, 2005 Oh, my aching back!! I haven't had any back pain this whole pregnancy (hip pain is a totally different thing, though. ) until today. Baby started turning posterior in the past day or two from being in an optimal birthing position *sigh*, and today, I don't know -- but my back ACHES ... especially right above the top of the pelvic "girdle". I thought the other day that the baby had dropped some (Parker never dropped or engaged), but now I'm thinking it is just the baby's back pressing on my own. I've been side-lying with my belly forward, and doing hands and knees and pelvic rocking trying to relieve the pain and turn the baby, but my back is just aching. I made Jeff come home early to rub my back. There are no feelings of contractions as well, otherwise, I might think this was the starts of labor. Sigh. I don't know what I want -- I guess just to complain. I go to see Jane tomorrow, and I really don't want to feel yucky or like I want this pregnancy to be over, because that will only lead to talks of doing things that could "speed up labor", but could also lead to c-section ... blech! I wasn't going to have her check my cervix, either, because I intellectually know that what your cervix is like at that moment doesn't really mean diddly squat (women can walk around dilated to 3 cm or even 4 cm for days or even weeks, and a woman without any cervical change can have a baby within 24 hours), but I'm now thinking I might, just with the hope that there is some progress. The doula comes back tomorrow afternoon, and we haven't done all the things we needed to, partly because she wanted us to get a Bradley method book, but the library is out. Jeff is supposed to make "cheat sheets" for labor, but he hasn't and won't be at the meeting anyways. I've been doing pain management exercises with ice cubes, and apparently do pretty well, but if this back pain is gonna be there the whole time, even between contractions, I'm going to be an irritable bitch!! ------------------------------------------------
Tuesday, January 11, 2005 Busted Jeff just got a ticket -- lights not on in fog. No warning, just a $118.50 ticket!! His car has automatic lights, so he didn't even think of turning them on (he never had to before) because of the fog. So, now we need to come up with some money, it seems. ------------------------------------------------
Found a new doula! And I really do think what some friends have said is true -- this was a blessing in disguise. After receiving the email, I was pretty upset, feeling like the tides were already starting to turn against me. Then my sister called me to lament that my dad had apparently infected us all with some kind of sickness at Christmas-time, and to "yell" at me for not having an answering machine (ours broke and we haven't replaced it yet). We talked briefly, then I told her about my doula, almost in closing, and she hopped online and found me two additional names besides the one given to me by the lady I'd had lined up. So, I contacted two doulas, and my sister continued her search on the second lady, and found out she was a doula-in-training who was also a VBAC-mom. I have heard back from one of the doulas I contacted, the one lead my previous doula had, and she had a pretty tight schedule it seemed, and wouldn't be able to meet me until next week, after my 39 week appointment. Not ideal, but the best I had, so I told her that I'd like to meet then. Then, I get an email from the woman my sister was tracking down, T. My sister emailed her, got her to call my sister back, and talked to her at length, explaining the situation, etc. My sister then called me, and started telling me all the ways T. and I were similar (in parenting style) -- to which I said, "We aren't fringe -- there are a lot of people who parent like I do!!!" So, then I got T.'s email, where she essentially said that she'd love to help however she can, but she's in training, this would be the first birth she'd attended (besides her own two), and because of that, she wouldn't charge. We finally talked on the phone, and she came over today to talk. Jeff and I met with her, and feel like we would feel comfortable with her, and that it would work pretty well -- she is VERY available (we're even meeting again this Friday, to just review things, and make sure there aren't additional questions), very understanding of the fight inherent in VBAC (especially here in Florida -- her VBAC was actually in the same city!!), and willing to work with us and be there. She was really surprised, I think, by just how much I knew and had already mentally prepared, but I emphasized to her that this intellectual facade will probably (most likely) crumble under the emotions of labor (isn't that true -- rational thought kinda leaves you?), and I would need Jeff and her there because of that probability. So, I feel 95% certain we have our doula, and figure the meeting on Friday will either get me up to 100% or drop me way down -- so, I'm not canceling the meeting with the other doula until then -- she's out of town anyways. ------------------------------------------------
Monday, January 10, 2005 Parker's Doing Better He's doing tons better, but we didn't give him a breathing treatment. We considered it, but since his breaths were fine, we opted not to. Technically, he is no longer considered asthmatic (and I still am not sure they should have said he was at his young age -- though I am grateful we have the nebulizer and meds, just in case), but we still are more cautious than we might have been otherwise. I'd read somewhere when trying to see a reason for this cough online that going straight to the breathing treatments when they are young may make them think it is the only thing that will help them, and making them dependent on it -- I don't necessarily think that would happen, but I did consider it before choosing whether or not to give him a treatment. ------------------------------------------------
Saturday, January 08, 2005 The Sick Watch Parker has a HORRIBLE cough. His breathing is fine (about 40 or less per minute), and he has no temperature. It just sounds SO HORRIBLE!! We've tried cough syrup, but it didn't even work! It has been all day long today, and not productive. Yesterday, it was intermittent and productive. Is this just how some colds go away? It is killing me to hear him cough so. He's drinking fluids and even eating. He had some diarrhea yesterday (not a lot), but no BMs today, plenty of wet diapers. ------------------------------------------------
My doula backed out I am so bummed, and now I have to find someone new, and come up with the funds (the original one was volunteering her time) for a pending birth!! Ugh! I'm trying not to get too upset about it, but it really is CRAPPY timing. Oh well, what can I do? Hopefully, the person she's referred to me can help me out and not be outrageously expensive. ------------------------------------------------
Thursday, January 06, 2005 How can he always get sick? I thought it was just seasonal, since we are in the upper 70s again (ALREADY!! Where is winter???), but this afternoon, he coughed until he threw up!! Then, I took his temp and it is between 100 and 101. So, he's apparently sick again (he was sick just after Xmas as well, when my family was here visiting, with a heavy cough and slight temp, like this seems to be -- but it only lasted a few days). I'm taking echinacea, as is Jeff and Parker, and I just KNOW I'm not going to get sick. ------------------------------------------------
37 Weeks Well, just had my 37 week appointment with Jane (the MW) today, and it went really well. I am ready to go into labor at ANY TIME!! I'm GBS neg (whew!!), measuring 38 weeks at 37 (at 35, I measured 35), gained a total of 9 pounds, BP was perfect at 120/70, no protein or glucose spilling, just great!! The baby was active, so the heartrate was high, but my pulse was high too, so she didn't seem concerned. Head still down, but not engaged. She wants to check my cervix next time ,though she said it really doesn't say anything about whether or not I'll go over, or when I'll go (so, why do it, right?). We scheduled an US for the 20th, when I'm 39 weeks. Not sure we won't back out of that though ... we'll see . ------------------------------------------------
Monday, January 03, 2005 You have GOT to be kidding!! Remember how I got summoned for Jury Duty just last week, practically? The 23rd, to serve today? Well, obviously, I was excused. Guess what came in the mail today?? Another Jury Summons, this time for Jeff!! It is his first. And normally, he'd be thrilled to receive it, and I'd be thrilled for him to serve as well. However, they expect him to report on the 24th of January. Well, my due date is the 27th. And, if I were to have another c-section, it would be before that date, if I were to schedule it. I'm not sure it would qualify as a hardship, though! And, until we know whether or not I have a c-section, he would qualify as a "caregiver of an individual with a physical or mental infirmity" (though I think pregnancy should count for that, at least in the final weeks ). I'm honestly shocked that he's been summoned, and even moreso that the timing of it is so rotten. Please wish us luck in getting out of this -- I do NOT need this added stress!! ------------------------------------------------
Saturday, January 01, 2005 Jury Summons Delayed Well, I was able to get out of it, thank goodness -- otherwise, I would right now be sitting there seeing if I got placed in one of the cases. What was really crazy was that the summons said I had to let them know 10 days in advance, but I didn't get the notice till the 23rd (granted, that was 11 days before I was to report ), AND over the holidays!! What if we had gone out of town like we'd originally planned? I wouldn't have gotten back until yesterday!! Crazy, I tell you!! ------------------------------------------------
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