Sunday, March 30, 2008
Am I a Janeite?
I have been obsessed -- obsessed -- lately with period dramas. Thanks to the love that is YouTube, I've been able to fulfill by thirst pretty readily. What started with Pride & Prejudice (two versions), Sense and Sensibility(two versions), and Emma (including the baaaaaaad Kate Beckingsale version!) has expanded to Becoming Jane, Northanger Abbey, Persuasion, and Mansfield Park (two versions). Since then, I've branched out to watching the 2006 BBC version of Jane Eyre (oh, is Toby Stephens perfect for this or what!!), A Room With A View, and just last night the Tenant of Wildfell Hall.
But watching these hasn't been enough. I have reread Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte, and have Pride & Prejudice as the next to reread. I feel like there should be a ton more of this type of book, and I want to be aware of them all ... ALL!! Why did Jane die and stop writing? Just isn't fair!! Or the Bronte sisters, for that matter!! Of course, now I have friendly people sending me information on the Jane Austen Society meetings, and hearing stories of turning about the room derived from my "obsession". And I've noticed that some of my emails and writings have taken on a delicious Regency Era turn ... though I don't seem to use enough colons and semi-colons.
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1 Cents Added:
I read P&P at least twice a year. Watch the A&E version as many times and read whichever of her novels strikes my fancy at any given time. I can't even put in order next that I love more. It would be like ranking my children in whom do I love more? Her writing makes me wish we still talked eloquently. We have lost something with losing our formal English and going with the more informal version. How is it that phrases like, "It will not do" are dead? Or words like ardently have lost meaning. *sigh* Thank goodness there are others like me. =)
By 
, at 12:04 PM
Sunday, September 09, 2007
Like A River ...
Following up to how the trio went, it went well, though I apparently wasn't loud enough (wow. I think there are a number of people who will be surprised to read this!) at first. I was honestly so preoccupied with how Parker was doing at home, it was kind of an out-of-body experience.
Today was also the Water Communion at Fellowship, and I didn't even pour the virtual waters for our travels. In retrospect, I wish that I had, and will next year, for sure. It was really a neat service, I just wish Jeff and the kids could have been there.
Afterwards, money flowed from my pocket at Mother Earth Market, as I pursued nutritional supplements, gluten-free items, and other items (like Bach flower essences for Mama). Very, very expensive trip.
Labels: community, health, Kristin, Unitarian Universalism
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Friday, September 07, 2007
Step AWAY from Amazon, Kristin
I really am a glutton, considering I have a stack of books I haven't read yet already, but I just HAD to get more today (I had an Amazon gift certificate and there was a 4-for-3 special), so I went for it. So, in a few weeks, I'll have added to my library:
- "Siblings Without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too" by Adele Faber
- "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk" by Adele Faber
- "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin De Becker
- "The Family Virtues Guide: Simple Ways to Bring Out the Best in Our Children and Ourselves" by Linda Kavelin Popov
- "Living Simply with Children: A Voluntary Simplicity Guide for Moms, Dads, and Kids Who Want to Reclaim the Bliss of Childhood and the Joy of Parenting" by Marie Sherlock
- "The Jefferson Bible: The Life and Morals of Jesus of Nazareth" by Thomas Jefferson
- "Sharing Nature With Children (20th Anniversary Edition, Revised and Expanded)" by Joseph Bharat Cornell
- "Raising Children Compassionately: Parenting the Nonviolent Communication Way (Nonviolent Communication Guides)" by Marshall B. Rosenberg
Am I a glutton or what?!!?
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Friday, August 31, 2007
And 1-2-Threeo, Now A Trio ...
Speaking of Chalice Choir, I came late yesterday because of a gathering of moms I needed/wanted to attend. When I got there, pretty much the next song we started singing was "Like A River" which has an optional solo part. At the end, I'm singing with two other women in a trio for the solo, and all my insecurities are at the surface. I lack confidence when in front of a large group of people, and knowing that the Fellowship will probably have around 200 people isn't actually comforting. I guess this is a good time to work on it .... right?
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Everything's Possible
At Chalice Choir practice last night, we started going over a new song entitled "Everything's Possible" that has a main solo, and the choral parts start with oohs and ahhs through most of it. Well, about halfway through the song, we start to sing actual words, and I realized while singing them that I didn't have the feeling behind it, and was only singing words.
So, I decided, while the choir director was going over the men's parts with them, to go back and actually read the song's lyrics to know the sentiment behind the song, and sing with the appropriate emotion -- and I had to try desperately not to cry. It was such a heartfelt love song to a child, filled with the promise of unconditional support, I had a hard time getting back into the moment. So, of course, today I had to try and search for the lyrics to share, and found a version of it on YouTube. So, here it is to share with others; may you also have unconditional love and support throughout your life.
Everything's Possible
We have cleared off the table
The leftovers saved
Washed the dishes, and put them away
I have told you a story
And tucked you in tight
At the end of your knockabout day
As the moon sets its sail
To carry you to sleep
Over the midnight sea
I will sing you a song no one sang to me
May it keep you good company
You can be anybody that you want to be
You can love whomever you will
You can travel any country where your heart leads
And know I will love you still
You can live by yourself
You can gather friends around
You can choose one special one
But the only measure of your words and your deeds
Will be the love you leave behind when you're gone.
Some girls grow up strong and bold
Some boys are quiet and kind
Some race on ahead, some follow behind
Some grow in their own space and time
Some women love women
And some men love men
Some raise children, and some never do
You can dream all the day, never reaching the end
Of everything possible for you.
Don't be rattled by names, by taunts or games,
But seek out spirits true
If you give your friends the best part of yourself
They will give the same back to you.
You can be anybody that you want to be
You can love whomever you will
You can travel any country where your heart leads
And know I will love you still
You can live by yourself
You can gather friends around
You can choose one special one
But the only measure of your words and your deeds
Will be the love you leave behind when you're gone.
Oh yes, the love you leave behind when you're gone
Music and lyrics by Fred Small.
Labels: Kristin, music, spirituality, Unitarian Universalism
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Wednesday, August 22, 2007
Teaching (and Learning) Life Lessons
While visiting PHAT Mommy's blog, a site I sometimes visit for inspiration, ideas, and just to spend some time, I came across a link from her site entitled "27 Skills Your Child Needs to Know That She's Not Getting In School". Intrigued, I went ahead and visited the link, and found a good list of skills that I'd like to give my children in life.
Of the ones they mentioned, I think we're already working on several, and need to be more proactive on others:
1) Financial: Jeff and I haven't specifically worked on this with Parker, though we've been talking about allowance recently. I think this is one of those really important ones that we still feel a little crippled by -- we've talked off and on about investing, but are still clueless enough to continue to not move forward with this.
2) Thinking: We do a lot of reading and discussing things out, so I think we're at least on the right track here. Perhaps we're still at too young an age to explore this more fully?
3) Success: I can't help but think this is something that is cultivated, not taught, and that the root of it is self-esteem. We are trying to instill the best self-esteem possible in our children, and hopefully this will be reflected in motivation and passion. My personal opinion is that procrastination is a learned problem. I know that I am a procrastinator, and part of that is due to fear of failure for some things, and the fact that it doesn't take me long to do others, and why do it before the due date or you'll be given busy work (the latter was learned very early for me in school).
4) Social: Being an "attachment parent" has led to really focusing on the social aspects, especially positive discipline, learning to express feelings instead of using hurtful actions, working together, sharing, etc. We use a lot of compassion/love talk, and although we do have occassional issues, especially with the two as siblings, they do pretty well in other settings. There is always continued work to do, especially in modeling how to resolve situations where feelings overshadow facts.
5) Practical: Oh, we're all learning this at the same time. I think it is an advantage to being home with the children -- they get to see what is involved in "keeping a house". Now the car part is also valuable, but we're not equipped to teach that.
6) Happiness: It feels that this is where our focus has switched lately, and it is also linked inextricably to the other categories. We've become much more involved in our community, including finding a spiritual home for our family (we became members this past Sunday of the Unitarian Universalist Fellowship of Gainesville -- neither Jeff nor I have ever been members of an organized "church" of any kind before, so this is a pretty big step!). We (Jeff and I) are trying to be more in the present, and not so much worrying about the future, but that is harder, especially as a homeschooler, I think!
All in all, I think this is a great list to provide food for thought. I don't know that all of them can be taught as much as modeled, though, but luckily we still have a bit of time.
Labels: community, family, homeschooling, Jeff, Kristin, spirituality
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Saturday, August 18, 2007
Making a Joyful Noise
Today, I joined about 26 other members and friends of UUFG in the Chalice Choir Retreat. I'd been debating on whether or not I could commit to the time that will be involved in being part of the choir -- meeting Thursday nights from 7:45 to 9:30 pm, getting to Fellowship by 10 am on Sundays, and performing with the group during service.
My reasons for not feeling sure I can commit is how it isn't fair to Jeff. If I am doing this, it means that, especially during Fellowship, he is responsible for the kids. I know from experience that it isn't terribly fun, and you can't necessarily hear as much of the sermon then, especially if you are in the Window Room in the back, since often adults will go back there to just talk (and the kids are loud enough). So, I figure I'll do this for a little while, and then re-evaluate a little later, maybe the end of September, unless it is obvious before that that this won't work out.
I do know that I enjoy singing again in a choir, and I feel a release in doing so. It is also nice to be doing it while expressing my spirituality, singing songs that often move me as well. One of the songs we are doing tomorrow is entitled "Because You Live" by composer Adolphus Hailstork, and it is just beautiful. Here are the lyrics, which are based off of a poem written by Bessie Stanley entitled Success (it is often referred to as a poem by Ralph Waldo Emerson for some reason):
To laugh often and much
To win the respect of intelligent people
and the affection of children
To earn the appreciation of honest critics
and to endure the betrayal of friends
To appreciate beauty
To find the best in all others
To leave the world a little better
whether by a social condition
or a garden patch
or a healthy child
To know even one life has been easier because you live
This is to have succeeded.
Labels: Kristin, spirituality, Unitarian Universalism
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Thursday, June 28, 2007
A non-Cook Volunteering Food?
So, I'm volunteering, through our Fellowship, to help provide food for our local IHN (Interfaith Hospitality Network), and this is the first time I'm bringing something. I'm supposed to bring coleslaw and dessert to feed 16 people, and I want it to be flavorful and healthy, without being typical. I'm thinking of bringing two types of coleslaw, so that people can have a choice, and want a dessert that is rich and healthful. Now, gotta figure out something that I can do!!!
Edited to add: Finally decided to make simple coleslaw -- use prepackaged slaw and store-bought dressing. Not happy about it, but with the short time I have, it is the best option. Now the dessert -- we opted to make ambrosia with fresh whipped cream and also pistachio salad, again with fresh whipped cream (essentially, same fruit, same whipped cream, different preparation!).
Labels: community, Kristin, spirituality, Unitarian Universalism, volunteerism
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Thursday, April 05, 2007
What are your Love Languages?
I was given this link as a great way to figure out what you value most in a relationship, and to share with Jeff to find out his -- I've only done my half so far, but found it is VERY enlightening! I so need to get Jeff to see mine and show me his!!
I'd love to see what others got and their thoughts on its accuracy.
http://www.greaterquest.com/LoveLanguages.asp
Kristin's Profile Results
Score Love Language
4 Words of Affirmation
11 Quality Time
2 Receiving of Gifts
9 Acts of Service
4 Physical Touch
How to interpret your Profile Score:
Your highest score indicates your primary love language. Your second highest score indicates your secondary love language. If two scores are identical, you are bilingual (you have two primary love languages). If the scores of your primary and your secondary language are close (for example, 10 & 9 respectfully), it indicates both are important to you. Whatever a significant other does to express love in either of these languages will get emotional points with you. The highest possible score for any language is 12.
Having a clear picture of your primary & secondary love languages will explain much of your past behavior Think back over the past and ask yourself "What have I most often requested from significant others?" Chances are your answer will lie within the scope of your primary & secondary love languages. You have been requesting that which would meet your deepest need for emotional love.
Labels: Kristin
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Tuesday, April 03, 2007
Family Ties
I have to say that I am glad that we have two kids, and that one is a boy and one is a girl. It really is cliche, but this way, we get to experience parenting a child like each of us (abstractly, at least) and also the sibling relationship that we both had as well.
Having had a boy first was something that seemed to be a challenge for us, at least when we were first told. I have to say that we were pretty lucky to have the opportunity to make friends with other new moms who also had boys. It really helped us through the tough, insecure times.
Now Kira, she really does seem to be a mini-me. Heaven help me. She is a little scamp, can be as sweet as possible, and is really starting to develop her own ideas of the world.
We have to see how her personality continues to develop. So far, she's pretty amenable to most things that Parker wants to do. But if family history is any indication, that will change, as it did for me with my older sister, and then all bets are off.
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Saturday, February 03, 2007
No Shampoo
I have been without shampoo/conditioner for 2 weeks now, and I am AMAZED at how much better my hair is doing! I do a wash with 1 Tbsp. baking soda in 1 cup warm water, and a rinse of 1 Tbsp. apple cider vinegar in 1 cup warm water.
I'd had dry scalp since giving birth to Parker (hormone related, I've been told), but it got much worse in the past year, and nothing I did helped. Since switching to this, it honestly has NOT been an issue at all! And, instead of having to wash every 1 or 2 days with shampoo/conditioner, I only am having to wash it twice a week. It is totally amazing.
Labels: Kristin, simplicity
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Friday, January 19, 2007
I'm just so .... tired.
I hate not having any time for myself anymore. I have totally over-extended myself, and I can't see how to slow everything down!
I essentially am working full-time, but my own hours, which means whenever I can find the time. I have my kids to care for as well. And Parker has classes two days per week for several hours. And we're members of 6 or 7 social groups (I've honestly lost track) which often have overlapping events that I feel we need to get to. I'm sure you are thinking, "Oh, woe is Kristin", and that the simple solution would be to cut some of the groups/activities, but how do I choose?
I have friends in these that I really don't see maintaining the relationship outside of, since that's when I get to see them. And some of the groups kind of are interconnected, so if I dropped one, it would be odd to drop another. And I'm a leader in two of them, though I just passed on leadership of another (whew!). And, I don't want to hurt feelings or feel like I'm "dissing" my friends.
I'm trying to cut back on the work, and we're upping our rates to that end, and taking on fewer projects. But last year, we made as much with our business as Jeff's work salary! (Now, he makes okay money, but it isn't spectacular, so it isn't like an option would be to quit his job with its enormous benefits and just do our business).
I've considered cutting Parker's classes, but he enjoys them, and it is time that is set aside where I cannot do anything else or think about anything else, which is really a good thing. Besides, where else is he going to learn tap and ballet, and have the opportunities that the art classes or science classes or even Spanish have, where I can actually be involved too, or observe if I choose?
But I know it is out of control, too, since there are days that I'm trying to figure out how to get to several events, bring food, and arrange for time where Kira can nap if she needs to (she's intermittent in her desire to completely forego napping).
Part of it is that even when I tell Jeff that I'm getting burned out, he can't even offer suggestions or give his opinions, because he's probably feeling similarly, between his job, our business and the kids.
Labels: community, homeschooling, Kristin, simplicity, sleep, stress
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Thursday, December 14, 2006
Nine Years Ago Yesterday ...
Jeff and I were married!! It really doesn't seem like it has been that long, which is a good thing, and yet we've both aged SO much!!
What is MORE interesting (I think), is our wedding party -- what has happened to them and if we are still in touch.
From left to right:
Maddie: married now for several years, just officially adopted her husband's two teen children; now pregnant with her first child.
Jim: No Clue. Lost touch, and he has a common name, so we can't find him.
Vici: went on to have two girls, Madi who is 7 and just was part of her first play, and Alli, who is half-a-year younger than Parker. She is now pregnant ("surprise!!") with a third girl.
Brad: No Clue. Lost touch, attempts to reconnect have failed.
Shelli: my sister; moved to two other jobs, and is now in Tennessee. She's pursuing her certification to be a scuba diver.
David: went on an across the country movie trip, without telling anyone but his sister -- she is currently working legal aid in Afghanistan, and he and she visit frequently. He is working at a food delivery place.
Me/Jeff.
Ryan: Got into and finished med school, and is now a resident up north in neurology. He and wife (girlfriend at time of our wedding) moved up there together. We suspect children once his residency is complete.
Heather: Has been married and divorced, and continuing to working at JCPenney's as an inventory supervisor during a night shift.
Stephen: Converted to catholicism, got married, just had first baby. Finding success in writing/editing for a gaming magazine.
Maelanie: Married soon after we did to another Lobby friend, became vegetarian, converted to 7th Day Adventist, and currently has no kids (originally wanted kids before 30, don't know current plans). She is a counselor at a Christian-based pregnancy support center.
Phil: Completed his Masters, moved to San Francisco, came out, and is now happily living and dating.
Jenna: Jeff's sister; graduated high school, went to college, switched colleges, switched back and moved in with boyfriend, graduated, got accepted to same college for grad school, got engaged, will be married in the Spring.
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Friday, November 17, 2006
Thursday/Friday Questions
Where will you be celebrating Thanksgiving, if you observe it?
We will be celebrating Thanksgiving here, at home, with just our immediate family, and friends who are in town.
Pecan or pumpkin pie?
I adore Pecan (pronounced p'cahn) pie, but sometimes I just crave pumpkin.
Favorite actor?
Today, I'll say Paul Newman -- LOVE his organic company that is totally non-profit!
Actress?
Normally, I say Gwyneth Paltrow.
When you were a child, which was your favourite book?
I can't recall! I have a horrible ability to remember my childhood. I DO remember my mom reading Rootabaga Stories a chapter a night to us. We loved it.
Favo children's book, as an adult?
What's your biggest regret?
Going to grad school for neuroscience -- doing animal research.
Show me the latest digital picture, of you.
Since I hate pictures of me, I normally avoid them. You can kinda see me in this one
Last song you heard?
Can't recall.
Last person you got mad at?
Kira
Woke up and screamed for 30 minutes YET AGAIN. Very frustrating.What are you wearning?
Pajamas. Need to get dressed and go to my homeschoolers gathering.
Labels: Kristin
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Tuesday, August 15, 2006
Yesterday was My Birthday
Just a normal day. Nothing special. A little drama at the end (my parents are planning a weekend birthday celebration for me, my sister (who's birthday is tomorrow), my cousin (who's birthday is Thursday), and lots of family, and they originally told me in two weekends, and then on the phone last night they said it was THIS weekend.), but it all got resolved. Oh, and Kira is now sick. None of my local friends wished me a happy birthday, even though we were together yesterday. Oh well. Guess this is aging.
Labels: Kristin
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Tuesday, July 11, 2006
The Lost Art of Reading
Gosh, I used to love to read! I have a hard time finding the time (and quiet) to read nowadays (though I just finished The Constant Princess by Phillipa Gregory -- pretty good, not outstanding), so I don't consider myself an avid reader by any measure.
Parker obviously loves reading, moreso now that he can actually read some on his own!! Kira is really into books as well, and has one book she can "read" (she has it memorized!!). They really love it when we sit down and read books together.
I don't really have books I'm longing for my kids to read, though I have fond memories of some (like Jungle Book, Rootabaga Stories, and much older -- Alas, Babylon). Okay -- one book I'm longing for them to read (and "get") is The Prophet, but that is MY book, you know?
Labels: homeschooling, Kira, Kristin, Parker, reading
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Monday, July 10, 2006
Crazy Busy July
I can't believe how busy my life seems to have become -- my calendar just seems crazy! I am actually looking forward to mid-August, when Parker's classes end and everyone else is starting to get crazy with the start of school! We still haven't signed Parker up for preschool, and the closer we get to that time, it seems the less likely we are to do so, especially with the classes he's taking at O2BKids.
So, for me --
1) I'm still doing lots of work on our business, including a conference brochure, the birthday party company still, an architecture-related international service, and a couple of others. We have one client who is refusing to pay us right now, and they owe us about $600!! I'm very "put out!".
2) I am still effectively running the playgroup for Kira, which involves keeping about 10 moms, working and not working, organized enough to keep regular meetings. We've just completed our first complete 2-month rotation, and people are even more excited about it than before (before the whole group was going to just peter out, so this is awesome!).
3) I am now on the board of MOMS Club here, doing the newsletter, and helping as we sister a new group. It has actually been really fun, and I've already learned a lot more about my community.
For Jeff --
1) He's as swamped with freelance as I have been, as well as trying to revamp our entire website including a complete portfolio -- it is quite the undertaking!!
2) His work may be in for some upheaval, though I can't talk about it yet, since it doesn't go public until the end of the week.
For Parker --
I love this boy!! He can be a pain in the neck, but he's so sweet, so smart, and so full of energy!
He's really great with all of the family he's been meeting (though at times he's TOO friendly with strangers. I really need to work with him on a healthy distrust ...)
His big thing is that he absolutely WILL NOT let me cut his hair. I had to cut his bangs recently, but that was all he'd allow. I should have known this was coming with all the fussing he often does about it.
He totally loved having my mom (his Oma) come for a visit, and to go with them to his Great-Granny's house.
Of course, that means that I'm having to deal with him stealing my cell phone and calling them every chance he gets and him constantly talking about going to visit them or them coming here.
Parker mostly loved spending time with his 12-year old second cousin, Ross. They really had lots of fun and Parker talks about going back to see him.
That's them at the fireworks on the 4th.
Kira --
She's become such a firecracker! She's very smart -- I think moreso than Parker! She says lots and lots of words, uses a fork/spoon, already remembers/reads books, and is a pretty darn happy girl (until it is sleep time).
More than that, she ADORES her Grampa (my dad). Oh my goodness, I've never seen a child take to a non-parent like that! She often ran to him instead of to me! I loved it.
She also favored my mama, but not nearly the same. Still, it was a nice reprieve for me.
She was much more shy meeting the extended family, like her Great-Grandma Morris (Jeff's grandmother) above, and her Great-Aunt Kathy below.
She always seems to have a serious look on her face, like Parker did. It is almost like she is trying to completely digest and comprehend the world before she's 2!!
Okay, I'm including the following out of obligaton:
I have some videos I have to download from my camera to share. As much as I adore my kids, more and more I feel like we're done. Maybe I'll change my mind -- I'm only 33, and they are only 4-1/2 and 17 months. We'll see.
Labels: community, family, homeschooling, Jeff, Kira, Kristin, milestones, Parker, Union Design Photo
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Thursday, June 22, 2006
Heavy Periods
Okay, last month I had my first post-partum period, and it was fairly light. Well, last night I started my second one, and it is REALLY heavy. I use a DivaCup, which normally has to be emptied 2ce a day -- well, since 2 pm I've had to empty it 4 times. Now, I used to have to change pads like every hour the first day, but once I switched to the DivaCup, it just meant every 3 or 4 hours the first day. This is consistently every 90 minutes now (third time since 5:30). I'm a bit worried about going to sleep tonight!! Should I sleep on towels or something?!??! I have a pad on too (thank goodness!!), but I'm just wondering if/when it is going to slow down for the night!!
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Sunday, February 06, 2005
Home with baby!
As posted on the ICAN-Online Board:
Thank you all for your help and support during my labor. I did end up having a repeat c-section, but it was MY choice, MY decision, and wasn't coerced or forced on me. Here is a quick sum-up of what happened.
Monday afternoon, 4 pm, contractions started. They were ok, getting stronger, and at about 10 pm, I lost my mucous plug with a little "pop" and my contractions picked up enormously. Jeff helped me check my cervix, and we didn't really feel a change yet, but figured it would come soon. Before long, we'd called the doula to come over, and I was having a really, really, REALLY hard time with the contractions. By 4:30 in the morning, they were over 60 seconds long and 2 minutes apart. Both Jeff and the doula thought I was in transition by everything, so we went to the hospital. They checked -- NO CHANGE. I was 20% effaced and 1 cm dilated. I was very upset by that, and the midwife was surprised, because the contractions were very regular, VERY strong, and so close/long. We were in the hospital until 9 am-ish when we checked out AMA, with the only change being my effacement increased to 50%.
We spent the day at home, the contractions had spaced out a bit in the hospital, but were still strong. They started to pick up after I'd rested and eaten, and then, at 7 pm, my water broke. There was some meconium, and I was a little scared about the possibility of cord prolapse or something (even though I know it is rare, I was home alone at this point, and the meconium being there just worried me). I got a friend to take me to the hospital and the doula and Jeff met me there (Jeff had gone to pick our son up to bring home). We got in, baby looked good on the monitor (relief), and my midwife arrived to check me. My cervix had still not changed at all (50% effaced, 1 cm dilated), my contractions since my water broke had spaced out more, but were strong, and the baby was still very, very high. I labored for several more hours, but was already feeling that there was a time line to reach, because of the waters and meconium, and I really worried about the baby. I got checked again at about 11 pm and there was still no change, and after careful consideration of the pros, cons, and consequences of either continuing to pursue the VBAC or going with the repeat c-section, I chose -- CHOSE -- the ERCS. Of course, I was sad about the choice, but I honestly didn't like either option 100% and knew that the longer I waited, that my emotional blocking wasn't going to get less but more, and I wanted to avoid the risks of infection that waiting longer and still having the surgery could have meant.
We went back for the surgery, and although the situation wasn't ideal, it went well. The anesthesiologist was a real jerk -- same guy that got upset that I didn't get the epidural in the morning. But the OB who did the surgery (my CNM assisted in the surgery) didn't say a word about the whole situation, and was a really good surgeon. My midwife did say that the baby was really high still (not in the pelvis), but LOA -- which makes me believe that it could be true that she wouldn't fit in -- her positioning wasn't wonky, I was having good contractions, etc. Of course, I will never know if that is true or not, but it does make sense to me.
At 12:27 am Wednesday morning, our daughter, Kira Elizabeth, was born. She was 8 lbs. 14 oz., 14-3/4" head, 20" long. Apgars 8/9. I am recovering okay, and am finally back home (got home Saturday afternoon). I labored for almost 30 hours, although my cervix never changed, I still consider it laboring -- and I know that I gave it a try, and made the right decision for me at the time given the situation and my emotions. Most importantly, it was my INFORMED choice -- something that I didn't get last time.
You can take a peek at her at http://www.sepiamoons.com/kira
Labels: caesarian, family, informed choice, Kira, Kristin, parenting, reclaiming our rights, VBAC
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Wednesday, June 16, 2004
Really Blessed with Friendship
I have been trying to figure out how I can convince my husband to go ahead with homebirth, because we live about 20 to 30 minutes (depending on traffic) away from the hospital, and I completely understand his fear of "what if" and not being able to get to the hospital in time. Today, at our little playgroup meet-up, one of my close mom-friends offered for us to come to her house and have a homebirth there!! She lives within 5 minutes of the hospital. AND an acquaintance of mine, and good friend of hers, has had a previous homebirth and has offered to come for support, if that is what we choose to do! I am really excited with this prospect, as I was thinking I would have to just accept that we'd have to consider a hospital birth (because of how uncomfortable my DH is with the "what if" factor). AND this friend would be able to help entertain my son with her own son, during the whole thing!
I'm just feeling so blessed with the friends I have, who are so willing to support my decisions!
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Sunday, June 06, 2004
Staying Out of the Hospital?
A post to a homebirth after caesarian group:
I am about 6 weeks pregnant with my second baby. My first section was for several bad reasons, and I was coerced into scheduling. So, I never went into labor, and truly feel like I've missed something very sacred and special. If I were to trust the medical profession, it isn't that big of a deal and my healthy baby is the only goal I should worry about, and I should, for this second child, go ahead and choose his/her birthdate. Well, it just is wrong to me, and I desperately want to avoid the entire hospital situation. Right now, though, I have only been able to find one midwife who can/will do VBACs in town, and she works with an OB and in a hospital. I am not at all ready, nor is DH, to even consider a UBAC, so I'm not quite sure what to do. I have a few leads I need to follow up with this coming week, at least.
Labels: caesarian, Kristin, parenting; pregnancy, stress, VBAC
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Saturday, April 03, 2004
Birth Processing
My introductory post to the ICAN Community:
Hello, all. My name is Kristin, and I am a SAH/WAHM of Parker, born 10/15/01 via Cesarean section. I chose a young OB that I picked because she was the only one who would answer ANY questions before selecting her as a doctor here in my town (Gainesville, Florida), and made me feel at ease by saying it wasn't standard for her to do episiotomies ... my most dreaded fear of childbirth (little was I to know that other cuts would be AS dreaded). I had read up a lot on childbirth beforehand, and felt at ease with a natural birth, and had asked her some pointed questions about her C-section and epidural rate, and felt quite comfortable until the end. Of course, looking back there should have been warning signs, but hindsight is always 20/20. I was labeled high-risk at the start, because I had borderline high blood pressure (it was 120/80 at two visits in a row, during which time I also lost about 5 pounds from constant vomiting) and was given meds to lower it. I don't know how much of my blood pressure "problems" were because I was so ill, because I have always stressed at the doctors' office, or because I was, and am, rather overweight.
My overall pregnancy was uneventful, as Jeff (my DH) and I attended childbirth and parent preparation classes (all, in hindsight, rather useless), and we decided to try the Bradley method, and told our OB as much. Her response was, "I see no reason for moms to suffer unnecessarily" -- Hint 1. She also never gave us exact rates for her episiotomy and c-section percentages -- Hint 2. She also was bord-eligible, but not certified at the time -- Hint 3. Did I worry about these? Not really. I had my almighty birth plan, she read it over, and said we could definitely try and meet that. Then, I passed my due date. Actually, even before that, at about 38 weeks, she wanted to start doing NSTs. After he repeated cajoling and "you need to's", I agreed. The first one took forever because my child moved too much. The second one required my OB to come, because of a drop (to normal heart rate!!) when I switched positions. This was NOT going well, and I did NOT agree with these NSTs. I'm sure in my records it says "non-cooperative" and/or "surly".
Below is my birth summary that I wrote about a month after my C-section:
So, my thoughts on this whole business. Pregnancy was okay after the first four months and until the last. The beginning was constant sickness, morning, noon and night. The end was just constant exhaustion and heat ... which has only somewhat been relieved by now. At the end, I was in a state of constant vacillation ... wanting it to be done, and afraid to start the next phase. I figured that at least after laboring, it would all seem much more of a relief. Well, our original plan of a normal labored birth was not to be ... Parker was considered too big to fit in my pelvis, as he had not yet even started to drop and was already 5 days late and estimated to be about 10 pounds on ultrasound. Because he had not dropped, my cervix had made absolutely no progress, so with that there were already three strikes against out plan for his birth. The final and probably most important straw was the fact that there was very low amniotic fluid regardless of my drinking a small lake for several days before the ultrasound (supposedly that will increase the fluid level). So, Parker was to be born by C-section later that day (Monday, October 15th).
Now, I have neither read about nor truly paid attention in our childbirth classes to any part involving C-sections. So, from the time we got home after our appointment until the time we left, I tried to mentally prepare myself and read up a little on what to expect. When we got to the hospital, I had to get an IV in my hand (this process is extremely painful...don't let anyone ever tell you differently. My hand hurt until the IV was out of my hand, and it was bruised for two more days). After half and hour of poking and prodding, they were successful. Next, they take me into the surgery suite for the epidural. This was the part I was dreading most. Knowing about the spinal cord and how epidurals and spinals are given, the idea of sticking a needle anywhere near the cord frightened me. Luckily, the anesthesiologist was great as was the nurse anesthetist who actually administered the epidural. Granted, my blood pressure shot way down, and they had to give me some medicine to bring it back up and they laid me down. My entire body went into some weird zone, and I lost all feeling from my chest down (which was, of course, good). When they asked me "can you feel this" and I said "what?", they proceeded to begin.
Jeff made it in to see a loopy wife on the table with all sorts of things strapped onto me and me body in the Christ position. He apparently held my hand and saw them take a fingerprint for the records (on the same page as Parker's footprints). I found out about that later. It all seemed quite surreal. Jeff went to go get the camera, which I agreed to after all the nurses and doctor's talked us into it, and I asked the anesthesiologist if they were going to wait until Jeff got back to start and she said they had already started. Jeff got back, sat down, apparently took my hand, and the next thing I knew, they were holding this purply-pink baby over the drape and saying look at your baby, who started peeing right away. I didn't really recognize it as a baby right away, and then they took him over to the warmer, where he peed again, and Jeff went with him. I believe I cried. Pictures were taken, I held Parker, and then he and Jeff went to the nursery. They sewed and stapled me up, and I went back into the labor/recovery room. It is amazing how numb the epidural makes you ... I could not move my legs to save the world.
So, I finally got to see and hold Parker, who was apparently very, very hungry, so we immediately tried breastfeeding. Man, I felt so lucky, he made it all seem quite easy, and things were like that for the first several days.
What I did not mention in the above was my feelings. When we went in for my 41 week visit (actually, 40w5d), my sister had just left from a week-long visit, hoping to be present for Parker's birth. I had had NO contractions that I know of. I felt tired and big. It was October in Florida, and the average temperature was probably 90-F. We go in, she checks me, and nothing has changed. 0 cm, 0% effaced. She does a quick U/S, and says, "We need to do a C-section. Today." Her reasoning was this: Parker was big ... really big. Macrosomic. She believed he would be 10 pounds, but he could be up to 12!!! (She briefly mentioned that is was 'possible' that he'd be as small as 8, but she really doubted it.) Not only that, but I had low amniotic fluid, and it was getting dangerous in there for him. And, on top of it all, she was sure he was too big to fit through my pelvis/cervix, because he was head down, but not engaging the cervix at all, and thus it wasn't dilating or effacing.
She wanted to do it immediately, RIGHT THEN, but I had just eaten, and I wanted to call my parents to come down (they lived in north Georgia, about 6 hours away). So, we schedule it for 6 hours later, and we go home. I go straight to the computer and do a few quick searches on the internet for C-section, since I had never even considered it an option, and then I went to our bed, laid in a fetal position, and cried. I kept crying, and mourning my birth experience then, and I think that feeling of loss is still present for me daily. After the surgery, I felt so disconnected from Parker (who I called "kitty" upon seeing him in the surgical suite), that I was fine with everyone else holding him and I got to be alone. Didn't bug me one bit. I didn't FEEL like a mom, but I had a baby. As I was recovering, I did a couple of Pub-Med searches, trying to find some paper that talked about my symptoms being indications for C-section and never found it. I remember going back for my post-partum appointment at 4 weeks and feeling totally betrayed.
So, now I am here, ready to face this sadness so that I can move on. I have not been interested in getting pregnant again because of this fear. I had originally wanted my children 18 months apart. Parker is now 30 months old, and I am NOT pregnant. I have not been back to a gynecologist since my post-partum appointment, either, and I know I need to find SOMEone for routine care. I just haven't felt motivated to be the person I was beforehand. I have been reading this forum for a few days now, and have cried repeatedly seeing bits and pieces of my own story in so many others. I do feel it is cleansing, and look forward to joining in with you all.
Labels: caesarian, informed choice, Kristin
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