Sunday, August 18, 2002
So, last Wednesday (August 14th) was my 29th birthday. I'm on the eve of 30 completed years. I am working towards that as we speak. I find it amazing how my life is pretty different than I thought it would be. I guess I never really considered it when I was younger. I mean, I wanted to be a wife and a mother, but I just don't think I really gave it any thought.
I didn't realize that as a wife I wouldn't be able to just do whatever I wanted without considering someone else. I also didn't think I'd have a house, a lawn in desperate need of help, to have to think about cooking and grocery shopping, to worry about money on a daily basis. A lot of that comes from my upbringing. Although my parents may have a different take, I never really worried about us having enough money for things. The rigors of buying, owning, and maintaining a house didn't seem consuming. There were always meals on the table, and I don't recall my mom racking her brain at the grocery store to decide if we needed this or that, how much things cost compared to one another, and how exactly to cook things. It hasn't even been until recently that those thoughts have gone through my own mind.
As a mother, I didn't realize the sleepless nights, the helplessness, the feelings of suffocation, and the amazing ability to handle practically any bodily function. I know many moms have this feeling of awe and joy with their child seemingly all the time. I hate to say it, but that is lacking several times here ... especially when he is screaming, crying, fighting sleep, or throwing food. All fully valid things for a baby to do. But not things I fully grasped. I know you can never be fully prepared for parenthood, and I remember why, when I was a teenager, I said I never wanted children. They are a ton of work. This is the most mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted job I've ever had. And it doesn't end. Oh, but to hear him laugh and to see him smile ....
Money I think is the biggest concern of adulthood, and the one I feel the least adequate about. I don't consider myself to be materialistic, though I definitely was when I was younger. I do think about how I'd spend my lottery winnings often, and I am still known to look through a catalog and make a mental note of all that I would buy if money weren't an object. But it is, and it is a frightening one. The truth is, money is evil, and it can ruin people's lives. We are as dependant on it as we are on water. I worry that I won't be able to continue to stay home with Parker, but at the same time, I know we cannot possibly afford daycare either. I also worry about keeping the lifestyle we're in. Both Jeff and I were raised middle to upper-middle class, and I don't think we know really how to live less than that. We're working on it, because we have to. But we both keep thinking we'll find enough freelance work for him to do, or his job will get some amazing raise. And that's why I think reality is the cruelest part of adulthood. It is what makes you look at the price of gas and realize that your gas budget is about the same as your groceries and that there isn't a thing you can do about either.
Makes me glad that I'm a wife, because I have someone else to share the responsibility and frustrations of adulthood and share the joys and trials of parenthood. And I'm glad I'm a mother, because I can look at Parker's innocence and know that he doesn't worry about the things I do .... yet.
------------------------------------------------