Thursday, July 15, 2004
I don't know, but right now I'm pretty down.
It is gray outside, yucky and overcast. I'm still feeling sick, though I was able to eat something today, my body is deciding whether or not to throw it up . Parker is driving me crazy (with over a thousand "What is that"s coming at me in a barrage of noise), and had an early nap before I was ready for one. There are several business things that I should be doing. We ran out of checks because Jeff didn't reorder when he replaced the last checkbook and is telling me that he told me to do it ... which he did not. The house is a disaster, mainly because moving around much honestly makes me ill.
And to top it all off, I got an email this afternoon that informed me that ACOG (American College of Obstetrics/Gynecology) has changed their VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean) guidelines to be more restrictive, and I feel emotionally defeated because it could affect my ability to EVER experience labor. I know I am being fatalistic, but I can't help it. It was really hard to even find practitioners who would consider "allowing" a VBAC, and this is really important to me. Part of me feels like I should be resigned to having another c-section, since there is so much time between now and the end of January and so much can happen.
And if that weren't enough, I feel like Jeff is not being the kind of dad he should be. Maybe I'm super-critical or maybe I'm just observant, but I have to ASK him to do stuff with Parker, and even then, he rolls his eyes, and huffs and does it grudgingly. This includes just sitting on the ground and playing cars for 30 minutes WHILE WATCHING HIS TV!!! I want to take a sledgehammer to the TV at night, I swear. I feel like he is spending no "Quality" time with him of his own accord. He seems to be yelling at him more and stupid crap like that. I HATE it, it pisses me off, and I can't "fix" it. I just feel sad for Parker. He deserves a dad who relishes his child, you know?
So, all in all, I just want to curl up in bed and sleep for like a week, but that isn't gonna happen around here .
------------------------------------------------