Friday, December 03, 2004
I swear, I'm just one big pile of stress over here.
We are at our all-time low on freelance work, and I'm freaking out!! Literally, we have THREE current clients ... that's IT!! We normally have at least 10 at one time, and there was once that we had 25 (we couldn't handle that right now, but still!!). Regardless, with only 3 -- I'm just freaking!! We NEED freelance work to make ends meet!! We have too many bills we're paying off to get by without it. If we had no student loans or credit card bills, we'd be fine, but couldn't afford anything extra. As it is, we DO have those things AND there are other things we want/need right now!! BLAH!!!!
Then, there is this whole blood monitoring situation. Yes, I know, it shouldn't be stressful, but it is. I am now having to watch the clock, worry about numbers, and think of what the doctor is going to say about it. I have to wait to eat at times, and just the whole situation I could do without.
And of course, there is the whole VBAC thing. I know most of you don't get why this is such a big deal or why it should be an issue to have to fight over or anything, but knowing that I have so much stacked against me (because of liability), and that I have few choices, it is just stressful. I really, really, just want to sit back, enjoy all these kicks, and not be constantly wondering if at my next appointment I'm going to get another thing stacked against me, or if the overseeing OB decides not to do VBACs anymore because of his malpractice insurance, or if the hospital will at some point between now and then decide they won't do VBACs anymore.
And, finally, Christmas. My family wants to do it up in Tennessee at the house my sister should be closing on the 13th. Which means a plane ride for us, to a just-moved-in house. Of course, that house will be much bigger than ours, but still!! A lot of me just wants them to come here instead, and for me to be able to have family around without having to travel. And yet it feels selfish to think that way. I'm sure my sister would love to celebrate her new home with Christmas.
------------------------------------------------