Friday, January 21, 2005
When will it end?
I just need to get this out -- I'm not expecting anyone to understand or comment.
I don't want another ultrasound. I don't see the point of estimating this baby's size, especially at 39/40 weeks, knowing that there is this huge margin of error. Especially considering it was a freaking ultrasound last time that led to the fear-mongering that coerced me into a SCHEDULED C-section. Especially considering it will end up costing me about $200 out of pocket, most likely (thanks to a new year, and our deductible).
We originally had one scheduled for yesterday, but with the van breaking down, we had a good excuse to cancel it. We went in Monday to make up for missing last Friday's appointment (when the van actually died), and all was well -- just saw Jane, didn't have the cervical check she offered, and it was a simple, pleasant appointment. We told them that we would call on Wednesday if we didn't have the van back yet, so they would know we couldn't make it on Thursday.
We called Wednesday, and told them we couldn't make it, van was still in the shop, and we needed to schedule a new appointment. The receptionist scheduled me an appointment with Jane for next Thursday, my due date. And I felt really good. This was easy, all is fine with me, and I wouldn't have to fight about not getting the ultrasound I don't want and can't afford. Had a great day yesterday, and last night, when we checked my cervix , we found that it has actually started dilating! I was on such a high -- my cervix never changed last time, so I was feeling awesome, that things were going great, no stress, everything!
Then, this morning, Jane called. She said that there seemed to be some miscommunication, as they had expected us yesterday. I told her that we'd called Wednesday and told them that we didn't have a vehicle to get there, and the receptionist person had rescheduled me to see her next week. She asked who we spoke to (I couldn't remember) and when we were rescheduled for. I told her, and she said it should have been with Lukowski not her, and that she didn't see it anyways. Then she started saying how we needed to "assess the baby" and the sooner the better, that I might go in to labor beforehand, but that we needed to at least go through "the motions" and that she wanted me to schedule an appointment on Monday or Tuesday of next week. She said she had a Tuesday at 2:30 pm open, and I said I needed to talk to Jeff about when we were getting the car back (they told us yesterday afternoon that it was ready today) and what his schedule was.
I talked to Jeff, and he said we should just go ahead and schedule it, even though neither of us want it and we can't afford it, and if we wanted to, we could simply cancel it beforehand. He's hoping I'll go into labor over the weekend. I don't feel that we can cancel it -- I'm afraid of the consequences to that -- the whole "dropping" their services or what-have-you, and just the stress of it all. But I'm also VERY stressed about having the ultrasound and being pressured to schedule a c-section, and all of that. I just feel completely trapped and stressed. I wish she hadn't called today, or that I hadn't picked up the phone, and could have had this very peaceful, relaxing weekend (or labor ) without feeling this is hanging over my head!
I don't expect y'all to get it or to understand why I'm so stressed about it. I just feel like it was the damn US last time that leaded to the Csection -- which may have ended up being necessary, but we'll never know -- and knowing how stressful the PRESSURE will be to have another C-section if this baby doesn't show up to be like 6 pounds on US!! I don't expect this baby will be that small at all. I expect it to be smaller than Parker, but then again, they estimated Parker to be somewhere between 9 pounds 6 ounces and 11 pounds!! So, even if this baby's estimate is smaller, it may still be "too big" for their comfort, and I'll get the pressure then to schedule and when I do come in the hospital in labor. If they don't have an estimate, they can't do that, you know? And I'd rather them NOT have this "evidence" (which has been shown to only be 60% accurate -- umm, isn't chance 50%?) to try and coerce me with. I just don't know -- I don't like the whole thing. BLAHHH!!
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