Saturday, April 03, 2004
Birth Processing
My introductory post to the ICAN Community:
Hello, all. My name is Kristin, and I am a SAH/WAHM of Parker, born 10/15/01 via Cesarean section. I chose a young OB that I picked because she was the only one who would answer ANY questions before selecting her as a doctor here in my town (Gainesville, Florida), and made me feel at ease by saying it wasn't standard for her to do episiotomies ... my most dreaded fear of childbirth (little was I to know that other cuts would be AS dreaded). I had read up a lot on childbirth beforehand, and felt at ease with a natural birth, and had asked her some pointed questions about her C-section and epidural rate, and felt quite comfortable until the end. Of course, looking back there should have been warning signs, but hindsight is always 20/20. I was labeled high-risk at the start, because I had borderline high blood pressure (it was 120/80 at two visits in a row, during which time I also lost about 5 pounds from constant vomiting) and was given meds to lower it. I don't know how much of my blood pressure "problems" were because I was so ill, because I have always stressed at the doctors' office, or because I was, and am, rather overweight.
My overall pregnancy was uneventful, as Jeff (my DH) and I attended childbirth and parent preparation classes (all, in hindsight, rather useless), and we decided to try the Bradley method, and told our OB as much. Her response was, "I see no reason for moms to suffer unnecessarily" -- Hint 1. She also never gave us exact rates for her episiotomy and c-section percentages -- Hint 2. She also was bord-eligible, but not certified at the time -- Hint 3. Did I worry about these? Not really. I had my almighty birth plan, she read it over, and said we could definitely try and meet that. Then, I passed my due date. Actually, even before that, at about 38 weeks, she wanted to start doing NSTs. After he repeated cajoling and "you need to's", I agreed. The first one took forever because my child moved too much. The second one required my OB to come, because of a drop (to normal heart rate!!) when I switched positions. This was NOT going well, and I did NOT agree with these NSTs. I'm sure in my records it says "non-cooperative" and/or "surly".
Below is my birth summary that I wrote about a month after my C-section:
So, my thoughts on this whole business. Pregnancy was okay after the first four months and until the last. The beginning was constant sickness, morning, noon and night. The end was just constant exhaustion and heat ... which has only somewhat been relieved by now. At the end, I was in a state of constant vacillation ... wanting it to be done, and afraid to start the next phase. I figured that at least after laboring, it would all seem much more of a relief. Well, our original plan of a normal labored birth was not to be ... Parker was considered too big to fit in my pelvis, as he had not yet even started to drop and was already 5 days late and estimated to be about 10 pounds on ultrasound. Because he had not dropped, my cervix had made absolutely no progress, so with that there were already three strikes against out plan for his birth. The final and probably most important straw was the fact that there was very low amniotic fluid regardless of my drinking a small lake for several days before the ultrasound (supposedly that will increase the fluid level). So, Parker was to be born by C-section later that day (Monday, October 15th).
Now, I have neither read about nor truly paid attention in our childbirth classes to any part involving C-sections. So, from the time we got home after our appointment until the time we left, I tried to mentally prepare myself and read up a little on what to expect. When we got to the hospital, I had to get an IV in my hand (this process is extremely painful...don't let anyone ever tell you differently. My hand hurt until the IV was out of my hand, and it was bruised for two more days). After half and hour of poking and prodding, they were successful. Next, they take me into the surgery suite for the epidural. This was the part I was dreading most. Knowing about the spinal cord and how epidurals and spinals are given, the idea of sticking a needle anywhere near the cord frightened me. Luckily, the anesthesiologist was great as was the nurse anesthetist who actually administered the epidural. Granted, my blood pressure shot way down, and they had to give me some medicine to bring it back up and they laid me down. My entire body went into some weird zone, and I lost all feeling from my chest down (which was, of course, good). When they asked me "can you feel this" and I said "what?", they proceeded to begin.
Jeff made it in to see a loopy wife on the table with all sorts of things strapped onto me and me body in the Christ position. He apparently held my hand and saw them take a fingerprint for the records (on the same page as Parker's footprints). I found out about that later. It all seemed quite surreal. Jeff went to go get the camera, which I agreed to after all the nurses and doctor's talked us into it, and I asked the anesthesiologist if they were going to wait until Jeff got back to start and she said they had already started. Jeff got back, sat down, apparently took my hand, and the next thing I knew, they were holding this purply-pink baby over the drape and saying look at your baby, who started peeing right away. I didn't really recognize it as a baby right away, and then they took him over to the warmer, where he peed again, and Jeff went with him. I believe I cried. Pictures were taken, I held Parker, and then he and Jeff went to the nursery. They sewed and stapled me up, and I went back into the labor/recovery room. It is amazing how numb the epidural makes you ... I could not move my legs to save the world.
So, I finally got to see and hold Parker, who was apparently very, very hungry, so we immediately tried breastfeeding. Man, I felt so lucky, he made it all seem quite easy, and things were like that for the first several days.
What I did not mention in the above was my feelings. When we went in for my 41 week visit (actually, 40w5d), my sister had just left from a week-long visit, hoping to be present for Parker's birth. I had had NO contractions that I know of. I felt tired and big. It was October in Florida, and the average temperature was probably 90-F. We go in, she checks me, and nothing has changed. 0 cm, 0% effaced. She does a quick U/S, and says, "We need to do a C-section. Today." Her reasoning was this: Parker was big ... really big. Macrosomic. She believed he would be 10 pounds, but he could be up to 12!!! (She briefly mentioned that is was 'possible' that he'd be as small as 8, but she really doubted it.) Not only that, but I had low amniotic fluid, and it was getting dangerous in there for him. And, on top of it all, she was sure he was too big to fit through my pelvis/cervix, because he was head down, but not engaging the cervix at all, and thus it wasn't dilating or effacing.
She wanted to do it immediately, RIGHT THEN, but I had just eaten, and I wanted to call my parents to come down (they lived in north Georgia, about 6 hours away). So, we schedule it for 6 hours later, and we go home. I go straight to the computer and do a few quick searches on the internet for C-section, since I had never even considered it an option, and then I went to our bed, laid in a fetal position, and cried. I kept crying, and mourning my birth experience then, and I think that feeling of loss is still present for me daily. After the surgery, I felt so disconnected from Parker (who I called "kitty" upon seeing him in the surgical suite), that I was fine with everyone else holding him and I got to be alone. Didn't bug me one bit. I didn't FEEL like a mom, but I had a baby. As I was recovering, I did a couple of Pub-Med searches, trying to find some paper that talked about my symptoms being indications for C-section and never found it. I remember going back for my post-partum appointment at 4 weeks and feeling totally betrayed.
So, now I am here, ready to face this sadness so that I can move on. I have not been interested in getting pregnant again because of this fear. I had originally wanted my children 18 months apart. Parker is now 30 months old, and I am NOT pregnant. I have not been back to a gynecologist since my post-partum appointment, either, and I know I need to find SOMEone for routine care. I just haven't felt motivated to be the person I was beforehand. I have been reading this forum for a few days now, and have cried repeatedly seeing bits and pieces of my own story in so many others. I do feel it is cleansing, and look forward to joining in with you all.
Labels: caesarian, informed choice, Kristin
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